“God, I wish I would fall asleep, and never wake up” This was my prayer last night. You may think this is a very fatalistic statement, and people will start argue with me, or they will try to convince me that life is beautiful and we need to enjoy it, and live it as it wont be a tomorrow. Others will promptly will come with advices like “ shake the sad mood, wash your face and move on”, some others will even get upset with me. Most of the people will try to give me some kind of long advice, but there are the few who simple will stop and listen.
One of the best definition of a good friend comes from one of my favorite authors Henry Nouwen, and he said: “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” (Out of Solitude: three Meditations on the Christian Life)
When finally accepting my reality of living with depression, and be brave enough to share it with others through out this online blog, I am not doing it to get pity from you, but to get stronger by sharing my weaknesses and flaws with others, so may be some people out there can connect with my struggles, and then together in silence, can help each others in these moments of despair and confusion, and heal our heart.
There are so many misconceptions, and misunderstandings of what depression is. I can tell you that is not that I am spending most of my day crying, because I have not really cry a lot in the last weeks. It is just this continuous stage of hopelessness that blinds me to see any goodness even though I am surrounded by it. It is the inability to focus, and concentrate, and I find myself in a cloud of wonders, and “ifs”. I do not have a long sad face either; most of the time you will see me smiling, and spending good time with friends, but as many of us who we are so good in the art of pretentiousness, my inner life will be collapsing.
The best description I could try to do is to let you know that some days I am plugged, and others unplugged, and it is not that I am doing it to myself. I do not want to be like this, but for one reason or another my body does not want to function, my mind decides to shot off, and my willingness collapses. The only think I want to do is to dive into my bed, close my eyes, and fall asleep, thinking that may be when I finally do that, all the congestion, and heavy traffic of my life will disappear.
So the best think you can do when this moments happen is not trying to offer a multitude of advices, or wise words, your best help will be a word of silence; the moment you “can tolerate no knowing, not curing, not healing” and simply be there, in space and presence, sharing a meal, going for a vigorous walk, or work out, or a simple text message letting me know you are there. These are more powerful than any other advice you can give.