“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” ― Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging
This the third day after I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account, and I found myself writing for the first time in a long time. I found myself doing things I have not done in couple of weeks like reading a good book, listening to a Beethoven’s symphony, and enjoying a good coffee at a local coffee shop. The book “La casa de Mango Street” is transporting me to the dreaming thoughts of becoming a writer, seated outside of a beautiful ocean view house in a little pueblo in the pacific coast in Mexico, while the music is distracting my mind from worrying about my mom’s surgery back in my hometown, of Leon.
The last couple of the days have been pretty hard to deal with, it is hard to suddenly realized that after 5 years of “coming out” my life is not better than what it was before, and sometimes it feels like I am walking backwards. It is really hard to accept the reality that “coming out” was not the end of my problems, but the beginning of a life of loneliness, uncertainty, and a roller coaster of emotions. It is hard to articulate the reality that I have not found support, brotherhood, and companionship within my own LGTBQ community, and that my anger and bitterness toward the church has taken me into a place where I pushed away my faith in Christ.
I though that the moment I was going to “come out” I will have an understanding, and supporting community that would embrace me, and help me cope with this new life’s journey. Event though I have made really, good and close friends, I have also learned to value, and loved myself by the many rejections I have received from this community. For unknown reasons, or may be I have not understood myself completely, I have not found my significant other, and I have had many unsuccessful dates that most of the time end up in one night stand, and I will never see them again.
In the LGTBQ community specially the “gay” one, being fat, big, or without a “perfect fit” body is more of a curse, than a welcoming trait. I felt in the trap that sexual attractions bring to us, we seek fit and perfect bodies, and devaluate everything else. We value bodies, and devaluate hearts, and minds. We put in a high pedestal the sexual encounters more than getting to know others. The social media has created sites and applications like grinder, growlr, and adam4adam, that has created a sub-culture of hooking up where you better have a super fit body to be treated with respect, because there is not place for the “gordas jotas” (fat-big queers) en these spaces. People will say to me that we make of those spaces the way we want to make them, but my experience has not been the best to have. I have to recognize that I have met a couple of really good friends there as well, but they can be counted with the fingers of one hand.
The thing I want to be able to say here, is that after 5 years cruising in the LGTBQ world, and trying to push away my faith in Christ, and in people who believe in Him, I will come back to that spiritual journey. I desire community and belongingness; I desire a strong life’s purpose, and I desire the strong sense that I am loved, and the Beloved loves me. I want to have back the assurance of His grace, and to know the redemptive power of the cross. I want to believe in the faith that sustained me, especially now that I have finally found a church I could call home. I do not want my identity to come from a broken, and imperfect community, but from Christ.
Today I am coming out again, but this time to myself and to Jesus. I will pursue I life of prayer, service, and worship to him. If He wants for me to find a companionship, and partner in life I know it will happened, but I am not going to focus my life trying to find that person, I will let Christ to pursue my heart, so I can have a meaningful life again.
“Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding palms in their hands (see Revelation 7:9), I shall see the prostitute from the Kit-Kat Ranch in Carson City, Nevada, who tearfully told me that she could find no other employment to support her two-year-old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she could faced with grueling alternatives; the businessman besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his last ‘trick’, whispers the name of the unknown God he learned about in Sunday school.
‘But how?’ we ask.
Then the voice says, ‘They have washed their robes and have made them white in the blood of the Lamb.’
There they are. There *we* are – the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life’s tribulations, but through it all clung to faith.
My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace.”
― Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel.