So, it has been a couple of months since the last time I sat down in a coffee shop and write; honestly I do not have a good excuse to tell you, but the only thing I can say is that I have hidden myself behind my so exciting job, and I have totally forgotten about my passion to read and write, or just to sit down in the middle of town, while zipping good coffee or a cup of chai latte, and wonder about the what’s and how’s of the life of simplicity.
I have been living in Knoxville for almost a year now, and I still cannot say that I feel at home. Knoxville is a very foreign city for me, one reason could be because 70% of my time I’ve spend traveling, or may be this city has its own unwelcoming character. Even though I know a lot of people, and they have been friendly to me, I have not found a group of closer friends to share my personal life; that is why by the end of May I will be moving to Chattanooga. (There are many reasons of this move; this is only one of them).
I have found out that the life of an organizer could be a very well rewarded one but it also can be very lonely, and desolated. Even though I have enjoyed working with the people and for the people, I have not been able to found the joy in my life once again. This has taken me into an inner self introspection, and I have started to go into therapy to solve the unresolved in my life. It has been almost 3 years since I came out, got divorce, left the church and the job I hold for more than 10 years, lost my father and moved to a new city, and I have not given myself a time to really grief or think about it.
Pema Chödron says, “…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
So then, after writing my own thoughts and reading good Pema’s book I can conclude that all these instability, frustrations, and even some very low and down moments are just the good teachers to go back to the life’s classroom, and learn the great lessons of our own life. When I feel this way I tend to think that something terrible wrong is with me, that I may need to get back into my anti-depressing pills so I can get back the control of my life (I am not saying that sometimes we do not need some medicine to help us out). But for me nothing has worked better than the willingness desire to take an evening off, get out of my house, drive my car, find a coffee shop, sit by the window, and start a conversation with myself so I can translate my thoughts into words; then transforming these words into the antidote for any bad and hopeless mood.
I would like to finish with another great story of Pema, hoping you can appreciate the beauty of her words as I have.
“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”