As a blog writer I have written many articles about life, in the many aspects of my own journey. Even though I’ve expressed most of my feelings, there are some whom I do not include them, specially because they are the ones I have not figrure out yet. But then people come into my path and without any annoucement they just start talking deliberately the truth as naked as it can be. Meanwhile my defense mechanism starts to get together the weapons to response to what these people’s boldness to cross the borders of my intimate soul life has caused. Most of the time, as my ex-wife Paula will said, I get angry, and I will argue with the others about their wrogness, or even worst attact the others person’s confidence.
It is really hard to listen to someone else saying to you: “You may be reading so many books, and writing lots of articles; but I wonder what exactly are you learning”. This is when I need to stop, because suddenly the words of my articles do not find a place in my daily living, and they could easily become hypocritical. Last night one of my friends corrected my status on facebook when I said: “I need to start doing big changes in my life in order to be a better person”, but the she said : “You need to make changes in your life that will help you to realize the wonderful person you are”.This is exactly what I do not believe, and I have carried for many years: the feeling of unworthyness, and the insecurity to believe I can positivly contribuite to the society in these days.
This truth has been told by many in my lifetime (some still my friends, others I have pushed them away), and I keep ignoring it. The truth that, I am an extremly insecure person who used to hide by the covers of religion and pastoral work, and the lack of worthiness I feel and have as a person. These two things, I believe, have kept me from truly develop myself as a person of change. Coming out was just part of the the on going struggle to accept myself as a beautiful creation of the God of the Universe, but that was not it. Imagine opening the doors of a life that has been living in secrecy for almost 39 years! However the cleaning process needed to start, but sometimes it is easy to try to close the doors once again so the nasty and uncleaningness are not revealded to the people coming to visit us. How many of us have done that? We come home and there is always a place where we can start pilling everything that we do not want to deal with it in that moment, so suddenly there is a big mountain of paper work, clothing, and else, and we do not have any idea on how to clean it, and really I will say that is not that we do not know what to do, but the reality is that we do not want to deal with it, and then this becomes the pile of our emotional garbage. (totally indifferent of the many changes we can do, but we just decided not to do).
A friend of mine whom I will call her “Ethel” to protect her identity said to me while chatting on facebook: “I feel that your security and self esteem sometimes lies in what others think of you instead of how you feel about yourself. You took a big hit with the church thing. You put too much stock in the fact they don’t care about you. They were wrong to you but you can’t let it get you down. You must know in your heart that you were of value. You need to have faith and confidence in who you are and what you do and not rely on others to tell you. You are great! You need to write all of that off as the fact that they were stupid and it is their loss.”
So I want to thank those who have been brave enough to have the audacity to go trhough this pile of emotional gargabe, and keep pressing me over to clean my life up. This is not something that has happened latelty; there has been many who continually have tried this big challenge trhough out the years. Honestly the pile still there, and sometimes seems like it is getting bigger. With this I would like to share what Proverbs 26:7 says: “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”