“You never find yourself until you face the truth”
Last Friday was the day when the truth was spoken to me from two different kinds of people. One was from a school friend who left Cookeville last year, the other one from a new friend who has been able to see the rawness of my humanity. Both of them decided to be bold enough to stab a couple of knives in my heart, but these are not the kind that will harm you and bleed you to death. I believe these are a little stronger because they penetrate into the so protected pride, and when pride is broken, the first thing that tries to come out is anger. If we let anger wins, it invalidates any possible change we may have. Suddenly we are blinded by our own feelings, and reacted towards the person who attacked us pouring out all our anger on them. One of the first thoughts that came into my mind was: “Who do they think they are to tell me all that shit to me?”(Sorry for the language, but I am trying to be honest here, without any masks). Then I realized that if I let out my self-defense, I may not be able to learn, if there is something to learn.
In a summary, I was told that I was acting as an angry-bitter victim, that I have not accepting myself yet, and I was still struggling to really celebrate who I was, that I was a very insecure person, and this was stopping me to take risks; not only for me to change, but to share my testimony to others. I was told that I needed to start writing about my experiences on trying to change what I always thought it was “the wrong” in me. I was told that I had much more to give, but I was stucked. Finally they told me that I needed to stop worrying about the past, or be anxious about the future, and enjoy the today. Did I believe all these non sense affirmations about me? Yes I did, why? Because I believe I have reflected that through my writings and throughout the feelings of confusion and looseness (if this word even exists, and I am trying to say is this sense of loosing direction)
So Saturday night after I arrived to my house, as soon as I got out of my car, I asked to myself: who am I? Where am I heading? Honestly there was a long silence, lost in my own limbo, not having a single clue of how could answer those two simple questions. Yesterday I have coffee with my good friend and confident Paula, (if there is someone who knows me better than anybody else is her) she reaffirmed what these two friends told me and how I felt during the weekend. She shared that I needed to silence the many voices who have told me, through all my life, who they wanted me to be, and go deeper into myself to find who I am.
This morning, when I first sign in to facebook, an ex-study partner had a quote from Jesus saying: “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes”. Then I opened an old book I had called: “Taking the Leap”, by Pema Chödron, and this is what I read:
“As human beings we have the potential to disentangle ourselves from old habits, and the potential to love and care about each other. We have the capacity to wake up and live consciously, but, you may have noticed, we also have a strong inclination to stay asleep. It’s as if we are always at a crossroad, continuously choosing which way to go. Moment by moment we can choose to go toward further clarity and happiness or toward confusion and pain. In order to make this choice skillfully, many of us turn to spiritual practices of various kinds with the wish that our lives will lighten up and that we’ll find the strength to cope with out difficulties. Yet in these times it seems crucial that we also keep in mind the wider context in which we make choices about how to live: this is the context of our beloved earth and the rather rocky condition it’s in. Many of us feel deeply concerned about the state of the world. I know how sincerely people wish for things to change and for beings everywhere to be free of suffering. But if we’re honest with ourselves, do we have any idea how to put this aspiration into practice when it comes to our own lives? Do we have any clarity about how our own words and actions may be causing suffering? And even if we do recognize that we’re making a mess of things, do we have a clue about how to stop? This is the time when disentangling ourselves is about more than our personal happiness.
A Native American grandfather was speaking to his grandson about violence and cruelty in the world and how it comes about. He said it was as it two wolves were fighting in his heart. One wolf was vengeful and angry, and the other wolf was understanding and kind. The young man asked his grandfather which wolf would win the fight in his heart. And the grandfather answered, ‘The one that wins will be the one I choose to feed” (P, 1-3).
So if I stopped right now, and I asked myself again: who am I?, where am I heading? Sometimes I wish I would know the answer, but I really do not know. So I am going to give myself three weeks to do nothing, to not think what the church did not do, to not be anxious about what my future will be, to not listen to everybody’s voice, and for the first time in thirty nine years be able to go deep inside my soul, and my spirit, and asked these two questions. I need to find the lost love to myself, so I quit trying to find that love through everybody else, ministry, work, school, or even through writing. If you are going to join us the 21st at Nashville, until then I am taking a break, I really need it. This time will be just for me. I have written my latest article, and the last I will publish on facebook.(I will be back to post only in my blog) May we find the answers we are seeking, or at least, and the most important to find ourselves.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
Henry David Thoreau