Beautiful Ugliness


I was chatting with a new friend about life, and of course as you know I like to go deeper in everything we talk. My good friend Jeff and I used to spend many mornings thinking beyond what we were learning or reading. So taking this as part of my mondus vivendus I said to this new friend: If life has treated you rough, how did you managed to have such a sweet spirit? He answered: “I saw the beauty in all that happened to me and I kept true to the love of it.“, amazing wisdom knowing that it comes from a 22 year old.

This quote came to me in the moment I am grieving the lost of the job I came to do in this country; and the possibility of leaving what I thought was the “call”of God in my life. It comes after one year of my decision to accept myself as a very unique human being.

Facing the future is very unclear for me right now, and sometimes is kind of scary because I can not clearly see the horizon in the distance, so my humanity trembles and betrays itself taking me into a journey of anxiety, this will escalate into fear, not for the future, but from failure to my own self. So how can I see the beauty of all that has happened to me and kept it true to the love of it? How can I make the rejection, betrayal, doubt, loneliness, insecurity, feel used, resentment, bitterness, and the harsh words of people I loved become beauty? I realized tonight that this is only possible through the eyes of my soul. I can not understand what happens in the world around me if I just want to understand it with my logic and physical eyes. In order to see the beauty beyond the ugliness, I need to dive into myself and open the eyes of my soul.

This journey is not even done at all, I thought that coming out to myself was going to be the end of a long searching for my own identity, but that was only the beginning, or may be the first stop of this way of simplicity. I have reached my 4th decade and I am facing myself to start a virgin journey, never walked before; so how can I find the strength to move on instead of getting stuck by the “if’s”of live?. It will come only when we can see beyond the ugliness, learn from it, love it and transform it.

In this new community I am getting to know I have realized that most of the people just look to the cover without even reading what is inside of it. The cover is more important to portrayed a happy life, but I know that most of them, of us, have traveled very rough journeys to be able to be where we can be. So life can not be only about the beauty of the cover, we need to open it and smell the aroma of old pages; pages who have forgotten through out time, but this pages will tell a story, and then the cover is not important anymore because we were able to discover what the inside of it could brought to us.

So lets us take the beauty of our ugliness and harsh moments, squeeze it, and drink the juices of the love of this wonderful life.

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