I have been written so many articles about the different learning experiences in my daily life, but in a way I kind of forgot of myself. I have been concentrating in the people who has rejected me, that I did not even realized that in a way I have rejected myself. I have been trying to make sense of my current reality and all the processes I am going through, that I pushed myself away from my own self. I was overwhelmed by a cloud of depression and insecurities that it was easier to project all my frustrations while writing about others. I was trying to learn from my experiences with others while I forgot about knowing me. My favorite author says, “Know yourself” is good advice. But to know ourselves doesn’t mean to analyze ourselves. Sometimes we want to know ourselves as if we were machines that could be taken apart and put back together at will. At certain critical times in our lives it might be helpful to explore in some detail the events that led us to our crises, but we make a mistake when we think that we can ever completely understand ourselves and explain the full meaning of our lives to others.”(Nouwen)
After so many years hidden in my own closet, I thought that coming out from it was going to be the solutions to all my problems, but I think in part it was, but it was also the beginning of a new whole story. Instead of asking God to change me, I told him to give me strength to accept my life, and He did.
The first 7 months were full of questions, doubts, and moments of darkness. But when I came back from my trip to California, and after sharing with my family, things started to change. Now I feel the need to get back to my own personal time. My relationship with my siblings has got closer, and with some of them even deeper. Things at church are getting better and for the first time in years I have a sense of direction to that ministry, and it gives me so much inner peace . School is finally moving forward and my grades are improving. My relationship with Paula has gone from the grieving of separation to a great friendship (It is amazing that next month we will be one year separated). I have postponed my graduation day to December to be able to participate in the graduation ceremony; I just have 4 more classes to take and I will be done. Then I will be ready to go wherever my graduate assistantship will take me; it could be California, Texas or New Jersey. My book is still being cooked, my editor is working on it to have it ready in order to be send it to the publishing house. I moved back to my old house and finally I am starting to enjoy life once again. As a sign of this new joy yesterday I went to see the Brian Symphony Orchestra with a great interpretation of Rodrigo’s Aranjuez concert.
For me solitude, silence of my soul while listening to classical music, and prayer through writing are the best ways to self-knowledge. “ Not because they offer solutions for the complexity of my live but because they bring me in touch with my sacred center, where God dwells. That sacred center may not be analyzed. It is the place of adoration, thanksgiving, and praise” (Henry Nouwen, changed to personal pronoun by the author of this article).