Once in a while my thoughts come into a labyrinth of emotions. There has been so many changes in my life in the last 9 months that even though I tried to show a happy face to everybody when I come home and I face my loneliness, my thoughts and feelings betrayed me. That is when I realized that the search of happiness is extremely costly and painful and the phrase C’est la vie seems very hard and difficult to pronounce.
In this moments of self-desolation, it is only through my own words where I can find some kind of encouragement, “in utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable” (John Steinbeck). Writing has become a prayer, the way I can go deeper to my soul and try to find the unquestionable; the spaces of time and thoughts that could bring me some kind of consolation.
But there are moments, specially in this new journey, that not even writing seems to alleviate the storm inside my head, many thoughts navigate in the vast ocean of my mind and the uncertainty of life seems heavier than anything else going on around me. My so broken soul gets tired of trying to explain and defend my decision to walk in this journey. Suddenly I feel overwhelmed, and I can not but withdraw from everybody else and go back to the cave of my life; so scare of what is coming, and realizing that only the now seems real. In these moments, the only thing I can do is to hold the hand of my Rabbi and imagine I am laying my head in his chest listening to the heartbeat, knowing he will whisper: “that is ok Miguel, you are here with me”.
It is amazing to realize that there are some people who think that this scene is not even possible because I am not worth of receiving his love, because according to them I am living in sin and deceived by evil. It is amazing to know that just because I have accepted myself and decided to live in the freedom outside of the closet of pretension and deceitfulness people are brave enough to say that I am out of the will of God.
When do we learn quickly to judge base on our own understanding on how life should be without knowing the whole story? Why we teach that we need to read the Scriptures in the whole context but we can not do that in people’s lives? I am sorry but trying to reconcile the faith I have been taught with real life seems so far away, because one seems to judge, criticized, place very high expectations, being intolerant to change, and push you away those who do not accept and conform to their believes. But the faith I am giving myself to question and rethink is one that is keeping my spirit alive, but the two seem to collide and contradict.
Now that I am walking in the other side of the fence I am experiencing what the “unclean” according to these believes goes through, and of course I do not want to be part of something that does not open the doors to everybody. The Christ that I know now it does not resemble to anything I have walked, learned or understood. My Christ is the one who loves me, accepts me and empowers me to keep believing in myself as one who understand that his faith is as important as life in itself. But honestly I can not see myself involved in a church that when they look at me they see me as a second class citizen. I prefer to be in the side of the “lost ones” (according to them) and keep living my faith as a real, broken and sincere man in search of his fulfillment in life.
I wish sometimes I could just say C’est la vie and let the word keep spinning, but for God’s sake! I am a thinker, a writer, and like someone once told me, a raw philosopher. It is much complex than that, C’ est la vie for me seems one of the hardest things to do, but something I would like to learn, live, and practice.