It is absurd trying to be who I am not, but it is even more absurd knowing who I am and not wanting to share it with others. As Human beings we would like to have an explanation of every detail of our lives; but we do not have to know the answers, we need to live them. We do not have to make our life more complicated trying to find a logical reason to our absurd moments, because life is full of that.
I realized this while having breakfast with a friend. Imagine a world where everybody is blind and just a small part of the population can see. Imagine trying to explain the beautiful blue sky to some one who has never seen it. It will be kind of award telling her my own perception of something she has never experienced. Well that was exactly how I felt this morning when sharing about my life’s decision.
You know, I have decided to accept the reality that I AM walking a different journey and path that will bring me, for the first time, the full understanding, or at least part of the understanding of who I am. When the blind woman keeps telling me that my perception of the sky is wrong because she believes her perception is the right one; I can not but cry. I am not the kind of person that I will get into a very heavy discussion trying to make sure you understand my point of view. I know our views will be different specially because I have never lived your life, neither you have lived mine. The problem arise when one of us tries to convince that the other person is wrong, and even tell him that the path he has chosen is of destruction and shame.
How can this new path be destructive? I thought my old journey was leading me to spiritual death, and even more, to my own death. How can a life of self-acceptance can be seen as self-destroy? It makes me sad Yes! It does, because I can not go back to that old, selfish, destructive, full of shame and guilty path. I do not want to keep hearing the Theological reasons why I am wrong.Could you stop for a moment and leave aside all your perceptions you have learned, and listen to my heart?
To know Christ is part of my spiritual journey and my search to find my true self; but being involved in religion is not bringing me anything productive lately besides a way of living.(that in a way is a lot) The only things I am receiving from this religion world are silence, doubt, and rejection; but no love, joy, encouragement or even a simply word of acceptance. I get this (believe it or not) from whom– in one period of my life– was my wife and confident. The person who is supposed to be the most hurt, is the one who now is encouraging me to keep going, to keep smiling, and to keep believing that this new journey is what God has always intended to be for my life.(and of course my family and friends are also there)
I really do not know what would be of my life in the next years, but one thing I am certain: I am not going back, and I will keep walking, trying to figure out this new journey, discovering new paths, saying good bye to good friends, but getting to know new ones. I would love to keep teaching grace, love and inclusiveness to all, but because of this new journey, I will have, eventually, to say good bye to it. But by no means I will ever say good bye to serving the one who has loved, and accepted me the way I was, I am or I will be: that is Christ my Rabbi.
It will be absurd to stop writing and sharing my heart and thoughts now that I am open to myself. I will keep sharing with you the steps of my life and the many things I learn from it. You may identify with the writings or reject them; that will be up to you. And forgive me if sometimes my spirituality seems a little bit messy, but I am just trying to make sense and recocile this new path with my God. If there are some Theological questions you may have, I can direct you with people who can help you better than what I can. These are just words of a seeker, simple as that.