Today, I do not feel good at all. Dealing with the illness of depression is really making a mark in my heart, Sometimes I wonder how do I ended up in this? A stage of uncertainty.
Today someone I started to know and appreciate came to my house to let me know that even though he loves me, he do not agree with my decision to separate from Paula because it was not fulfilling the prerequisites of a pastor due to the divorce, and he believe I was not in the position to serve others.
Nobody in this earth could ever know the pain and the struggle Paula and I went in the search for my identity, people can tell me that I am not qualified to minister others because I am not perfect, but who is?. He told me that I was not fulfilling the Biblical perspective of what a true pastor should be. I wonder if every man or woman who would like to serve others, if they were truly sincere and honest with themselves, vulnerable and open, broken and flaw, if they would ever have the requisites to really be a perfect minister? How can we serve others if we can not identify with them? with their pain, struggle, abandonment, sadness, and rejection? Where does it say that?
Henry Nouwen said, “No minister can keep his own experiences of life hidden from those he wants to help. No minister can offer service without a constant and vital acknowledgment of his own experiences. Making one’s own wounds a source of healing, therefore, does not call for a sharing of superficial personal pains but for a constant willingness to see one’s own pain and suffering as rising from the depth of the human condition which all men share. The idea of the wounded healer does not contradict the concept of self-realization, or self-fulfillment, but deepens and broadens it” (The Wounded Healer) After 2010 years, with all the advancements in technology we have, and the deep and profound thinking of many people, how can we not see serving as something coming out from our own wounded heart? This is the only way we are going to be able to understand our neighbor’s pain.
We (Paula and I) believe our time to be together came to an end and in her beautiful love she released me to become the one I have been searching for many years.Nobody can tell me how difficult of a decision was that. Freedom is liberating, but painful at the same time.
I believe in a merciful God and this God is with me and with her.
Please know that WE ARE NOT coming back together because we believe, very strong in our heart, this is the will of God for this time, this hour, and this moment for us. Only Paula and I know the whole ordeal, so before you make any conclusions about us according to your Biblical perspectives or religious convictions; I will encourage you to stop for a moment and listen to our hearts, stop for a moment and clean our tears, stop for a moment and see beyond your so rigid beliefs and come down with us to our heart. We do not want the perfect advice, we do not want your pity; we just want your friendship. Your wounded, loving friendship.
And please know that Paula is my best friend, I love her as I have never loved someone one, I care for her and i am holding her hand, as a friend, and I know she is also holding mine. We did not separate out of hate or bitterness, we did it because we love each other so much that we understood this was the best thing to do, blessed by our Father and supported by our families.
So, please, just come down to our heart and in silence you may cry, laugh, or just be with us, that is more powerful than any advice or Biblical conviction.This is call the power of accepting and this is what the world needs more than anything else.
“Grace and wholeness….these have always been the deepest longings in our souls… we will continue this journey of trying to live from our heart, connected to our soul, staring our junk right in the face. We will keep letting what Gods says about us shape what we believe about ourselves….there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ, this… See More Way leaves no room for shame and guilt. Miguel, never forget that God is not interested in shaming people and that we will never be able to lead people somewhere we are not trying to go ourselves.” (Paula Martinez)