Little Deaths

“Some people had hurt me deeply, and some had been deeply hurt by me. My inner life had been shaped by theirs. I experienced a real temptation to hold on to them in anger or guilt. But I also knew that I could choose to let them go and surrounded myself completely to a new life in Christ. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others” (Nouwen)

Through all my years living, I have been learning to say good bye to good friends, some because I have hurt so bad that it was better for us to discontinue our relationships; others because they hurt me so much and may be still do that they became toxic friends. So saying goodbye to them are like little deaths to my soul. It does not matter if they hurt me or I hurt them, not being able to have them in my life, in this journey is like something inside of me dies and their memories still in my heart. One of the hardest pain I have felt as a human being is the lost of a good friendship. Most of this happens because we can not accept the reality that we are just human beings with so many imperfections, so we hurt and get hurt, and it is so hard to go beyond the pain. These little deaths left a mark in my heart and soul that even after time still there. Some the time will help us forget them, well that is what we think, but in a way for some strange reason they are resurrected. When this happens I started to think about them, and unfortunately most of the time there is no thought about them, not even a melancholic emotion.

Almost 24 years ago when I was finish Jr. High, I had a friend who I considered one of my best friends, he was the first person I shared my heart and my struggle in life, but when that happened he totally turned his back on me. That was one of the hardest death of a friend I have ever experienced. It was so hurtful that changed the direction of my life completely. It took me years to be healed. These deaths still happen and I know they will keep happening; but now I think my heart has learned how to overcome adversities, and the perspective of life is different. Every time I friendship dies, a part of me goes with him or her, a part of me dies; so I need to hold on in the love I get from Christ so he can help me recuperate that little part that went away.

But my life is not clinging on those dying, but on the ones still living close to me, in the words shared, in the space where moments become living moments of a life shared together. In those souls who can see beyond my imperfections, flawless, weaknesses, and allow me to see their raw humanity in them. These are worth living and giving my whole heart to them. These are my brothers and sisters in this journey I have always called LIFE.


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