While I keep thinking what else to write in this on going project called, “my first book”, I get more deeper into my thoughts. I am writing at least 2 hours a day and sometimes is hard because I have to share it with my job, school and the many relationships I have. But this is exactly what my book will be an on going interaction with myself and the world around me. I could not write anything if I was isolated in a deserted island. My words are part of my local community, and only through them I can find the inspiration I needed to trace with the ink of my soul the many phrases that will make possible the fulfillment of this project. So every time I write, your words are with me, your thoughts help me to overcome any doubts about stopping, and the interaction I have with old and new friends have always inspired me to keep living, keep thinking and keep writing.
But I am still a human being, dealing with an on going illness call depression(many of you do not know about this), that sometimes fills my mind with fear, doubt and uncertainty; and that is when–believe it or not–the flow of thoughts is bigger and when I usually can write more chapters. I have learned that in the midst of my own vulnerability, real inspiration comes to me. Very odd I know, but that is why this book will be different, because it is been written out in the midst of my own search; walking every page and learning with them.
Henry Nouwen in The Dance of Life said, “There is within you a lamb and a lion. Spiritual maturity is the ability to let the lamb and lion lie down together. Your lion is your adult, aggressive self. It is your initiative-taking and decision-making self. But there is also your fearful, vulnerable lamb, the part of you that needs affection, support, affirmation and nurturing. When you heed only your lion, you will find yourself overextended and exhausted. When you take notice of your lamb, your will easily become a victim of your need for other people’s attention. The art of spiritual living is to fully claim both your lion and your lamb.”
People think that because I am a pastor I need to bring out the lion on me. To be strong and have my life under control, to be an example to others, to maintain a discipline life, to create programs, activities, discipleship classes, to always have a word of encouragement, to always know what to say and give on Sunday mornings, to manage well my household, to live a “holly” life, to maintain the living standards of the Holly Bible. But how come we always look for the lion in others and we forget the lamb. I have never heard a church goer saying: “oh my pastor is the most needed person of all, who needs my support, affirmation, affection and nurture”. If we could just recognized these two parts in each other, let me tell you church will be a true sanctuary.
Recognizing these two parts in me “will help me ask for affection and care without betraying my talent to offer leadership” (Nouwen). But it is a lamb massacre if we keep showing the lions to others. The standards of Christ are to be able to live with both, but principally within the lamb in us. I do not know if I am wrong in these or if I am basing my pastoral role in my own understandings of what I should be as a person. May be I am trying to re-thinking what a minister should be without leaving to the monastery, or living behind all life’s commodities. May be a minister is not about portraying only the lion or lamb in us, but being able to put these two together. So how come when hiring a pastor we focus more in the lion’s side than in the lamb, I thought we were supposed to minister out of our weaknesses, so God can be our strength….oh my!!! I need to stop because I am getting more confused.
….to be continued.