loneliness is heavier when I have not translated into solitude; but in order to do so I need to dive into myself, and find the pain within me so I can resurrect the true self. Solitude is the moment I can say without hesitation: “With God and myself I am complete”; in consequence all other relationships will bring fulfillment to my life, but they will never bring significance. Is in solitude where I find my significance.
Two nights ago we celebrated the Birthday party of one of Faik’s best friends from Azerbaijan, we danced, took pictures, made a lot of noise and spend a good time in great company; oh the good noise of people!. Now just a 2 days later, I am sitting outside of my apartment, in a beautiful fall morning, with a cup of coffee, listening to Mozart’s mass in c minor, and in complete loneliness. I am almost 40 years, and after the noise of the night, I found myself, most of the time, alone with the only company of Christ and the rawness of my humanity,trying to start a new life that seems uncertain and unclear. I know I am free, but that does not mean I found my significance.
To be able to do this I need to face the deeper of my pains, doubts, insecurities and found myself totally naked in front of the mirror, in front of my God, and in that moment of inadequacy, in that moment of awkwardness, in finding myself alone, cold and without anything that can cloth me; in that precisely moment I will be able to say that my loneliness has been transformed into solitude, when my search for significance will end and hopefully I will be able to live the rest of the years God has allowed me to be in this world in full awareness of the beauty of my humanity and the space I was given to share it with others.
In the mid time my loneliness is still very painful, and it hurts. I wonder how Christ felt the moment he found himself crying out to God the Father: “Papa, Father, you can—can’t you?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do you want?” An incredible loneliness who in the midst of suffering was transformed into finding His significance, even though the journey to start was going to be the hardest one ever walked by him.
In loneliness we can be surrounded by many and still feel alone; in solitude we can be without anybody and feel surrounded by God’s presence and the great knowledge of having found the truthfulness of my self. This is my goal in life and still walking towards that