The emptiness of my soul is one of the hardest things to face. There are moments during the day that the silence of my emotions come alive and awaken the most painful feelings. The empty space of the one I loved resounds in my heart, smiling, disappearing, whispering in my ear. In the silence of my heart, my loved is not there anymore. Her eyes do not shine and the beauty of her soul does not surrounds my wounds. I was never able to loved her in the profound way she loved me, and her sense is not longer breathing on me.
The sound of the wind hitting on the edges of my window crush my heart creating a universe of thoughts and wonders, of doubts and fears creating an uncertain and inaudible echo. It is the nothingness of my soul, but not the beauty of my spirit. It is the absence of a love, but the survival of the heart. Now in this emptiness and silence I dive into my heart, finding the beauty in it and rescuing the left overs of a time when I was loved like I had never been loved again.
But no, my spirit is not down, not at all, because that is what has kept me alive, the beauty of God’s love. The realization that in the search of myself, He is there helping me, consoling me, crying with me and listening to these words that become prayers and passionate shouts of desperation asking for a small touch of His embrace.
But it is in this agony of the emptiness of my soul when I can connect with others and realized that “God is not a private God. The God who dwells in our inner sanctuary is also the God who dwells in the inner sanctuary of each human being” (Here and Now, Nouwen). A shared pain, is a healed pain. It is the realization that in the root of our misery we are just human beings without race, religion, lifestyle or ideologies and we may find a common ground in the adversities of our lives. Nouwen said, “When we unmask the illusion that a person is the difference she or he makes, we can come together on the basis of our common human brokenness and our common need for healing.”(Compassion) It is only when we can empty ourselves, to share the good and the bad, the ugly and the beauty, the anger and joy, the perfect and the many imperfections, that we can free some space for the pain of my neighbor and brother to connect with mine.
Then my emptiness is not longer, but became the deposit of my brother’s heart; and his emptiness is not longer, it became the storage of my soul.