Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it.”

–Abraham Lincoln

Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.”

–Albert Camus

According to the dictionary, freedom is the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints. It is being able to walk without the chains that kept me attached to the wall of nonacceptance. It is stepping out from the barriers of incarceration of shame and guilt. It is knowing I can go wherever I can because I do not have any restrains on me. People would like chain me back because they can not understand this kind of freedom; for them there is only one freedom, but the problem is that they have never been in captivity. My prison was my unwillingness to be myself.

One of the results of freedom is that I started living without fear. Fear from what others will say, fear from what people–that in a way they are salves of their believes– are pointing and judging. They do not realized that their self imposed holiness is more enslaver than what they can not accept on me. Fear from the comments of unworthiness about holding the pastoral position. Fear from myself, from my own inadequacy as a human being, from failing as someone who seeks the deeper waters of God. Fear from what the future will bring.

Freedom after living in captivity for many years is something that can not be explained unless you have experienced it. It is breathing every morning and being able to go wherever I want and not where others want me to go. It is accepting my reality as the one beloved by the Beloved. Freedom smells, sometimes it brings a sweet and grateful odor; but other times brings an incredible and horrible smell that bends me down trying to grasp as much clean air as possible; but still freedom is my true liberty to become and accept the one God has loved: ME.

Jon Goodwin send me a quote of one of the two people I have adopted as spiritual directors in my life and reminded me that even though things do not seem clear, God still there. Thank you Jon because even though you know who really I am, you still love me, and this quote was a great gift for me because I am facing the consequences of my freedom.

We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrew 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, “ Into your hands I commit my spirit”–Brennan Manning.


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