Facing My Greatest Fear


“When Christ said: “I was hungry and you fed me,” he didn’t mean only the hunger for bread and for food; he also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus himself experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept on hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one to be accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that’s real hunger.”–Mother Thersa

I do not know what is worst, the uncertainty of my life and future or the loneliness I feel every  day. Henry Nouwen in his book reaching out states that we need to move from loneliness to solitude, when he said, “The movement from loneliness to solitude can make it possible to convert slowly our fearful reactions into a loving response”. Facing my fears it is something I have been doing for many years in the continuous search of an identity that will freed me to be myself; but facing myself in this loneliness that suffocates me is something totally new for me and honestly I do not know how to deal with it. I feel like I am mentally paralyzed, my body wants to keep going, my emotions are as high as they can be, my will is moving forward grabbing every strength that is found in this new journey; but loneliness is making his way deep into my being. For the first time, in many years, I miss my family. For Nouwen this paralysis could be an “invitation to search for deeper sources of vitality….then our life would indeed be a different life because then fate becomes opportunity and wounds a warning”.

So, How do I move from loneliness to solitude?, and how do I take advantage of these space of emptiness in my life?. I wish God will be like a lamp genius, so I can come to Him and get my 3 wishes, but then I will realized that facing myself will be a continuous life exercise and it does not matter if I have the ideal job, the greatest ministry and many friends. I have to face, eventually, my true self and one of my greatest fears: being alone.

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