I have walked a thousands miles
I wake walked as fasted I could
and I have raised my precious self to be a man
I have walked up and down
I have wonder from place to place
I have raised my weary hand to my faith
but I would never turn my back on your love
Is there anybody there who knows me?
Is there anybody there who knows me now?
that I will be home soon
but I will never turn my back on your love
when the sun is going down
there are colors against the sky
I have seen my hometown in your eyes
but I will never turn my back,
yes I am learning to face the facts,
yes I will never turn my back on your love.
I hear this song sung by Lila Downs this morning and it reflected exactly the journey I am walking now. A very uncertain one, but I will say that even though I do not know where I am heading; finally I have accepted my life as a precious gift. I have wondered for many years in empty lots where my insecurities filled these lands and made of my walk, a struggle. I have lived believing that I was living a lie, when in reality, the true lie was not being able to come in good terms with my self. I have fought many battles trying to overcome the “sin” that was killing me. But the real “sin” here was trying to be the person everybody wanted me to be, the “believer” others want me to portrayed, the mask I was trying to wear; but it never belong to me. The “sin” here was not believing that I was already loved the way I was, I am or I will be. Period, no more.
With this little strength I have left from all the many battles I have fought in my 39 years of existence in this land, I am raising myself, crawling out from the hole of nonacceptance and denying, and grabbing everything I can to keep moving upward, “raising my precious self to be a man”.
Besides what others say about me, besides what people talk and judge, besides the moral standards I am breaking, if there is any, besides loneliness, or feelings of inadequacy,besides rejection and judgment; I will never turn my back on His love.
That is right ! You have not misread my words, His love is more real than before. My faith has deepened, “I have raised my weary hand to my faith”. I have found God, a more real god through out the contemplation of nature, in the streets of my local community, in the words, doubts, many questions, and even silence of my friends, in the long journey of my family to find their contribution in this land, in the freewrite group where I am just a simple writer–no races, no lifestyles, no ages–, in yumming and drumming in the hills of Tennessee under the full moon blessed by the great hospitality of Change (that was his name), the host, in the crucifix where I can be reminded of his suffering love, in my own battles of self-esteem, in loneliness, in crowdedness, in the empty of my soul, in the fullness of my spirit, in facing my insecurities as a pastor who is in constant reminder that before my faith, there is my humanity; in loving Paula as one of the best gifts I will ever received, in listening to the heart’s story of my sister Patricia and seat besides her to hold her pain in my heart and for the first time trying to understand her heart, to befriend a gay community that is starving for some kind of spirituality, but not the one that judges or wants for them to convert, but the one that loves. To find God while I am siting at Sweet Sallie’s and observe the faces, the smiles, the hands of every person who walks in. In the group of ladies that are sharing their tips on knitting, in having coffee with Jeff at Dolce Caffe or breakfast with John while we enjoy the good flavors of bacon; and he enjoys grits (I do not, sorry! I haven’t really understand this taste). In the inclusiveness environment of hippie Jack’s camp while drinking with all my Obama’s friends.In having dinner at the house of a very accepting female pastor and the craziness of her house, in putting together CARA-Cultural Awareness Alliance- and dream with cultural harmony, in having fun with the Hispanic children, in having fun with Beth while we created the funniest profile pictures in facebook, in having coffee with Andy and talk about our new friendship; and all these while I keep listening again and again the song that have inspired me to write this morning.
This is my spiritual life now, and I will never turn my back on His love.