Monotony is not only what has been affecting my life lately; it is also the realization that may be I have failed as a minister. I have been wanting to create community at Connection for so many years, but I feel like that dream is fading away and the more I desire it, the less I feel it. I know now that I can not create community, because this is not something you can put together, plan or even dream about it. Community comes out from the heart of each other, when in the deepest of our soul we want to be part of of someones heart and suddenly we are liked and accepted. This is part of every human being, real tenderness is what follows when someone reveals to your own inner beauty, when you discover you belovedness, when you experience that you are deeply and sincerely liked by someone” (Brennan Manning, italics are mine).
The other thing I am dealing is the fact that I am not serving just because I am getting paid, but lately I feel like I am getting paid to serve. It is a painful feeling knowing that expectations of people fall into my shoulders wanting to create a fruitful ministry. To convert every penny I am paid into a place where good music is played, good and deeper teaching is taught and programs are created. This is why I have realized that may be my called is not to lead people into deeper waters, but to walk and serve among them.
Even though my life seems a little bit uncertain in these moments, I know, deep inside of me, this is doing something in the relationship with Christ. Manning says, “The physical suffering in our lives, along with various forms of mental anguish–loneliness, tension, unjust criticism, fear, contradiction and confusion, the inability to relate warmly to others–are among the undramatic life circumstances through which we’re formed int the patterns of Christ’s death”
So my question will be, Have you ever find yourself wondering how to make the next step in your life? ….It is like crossing a creek through a stone bridge…we know we need to keep going but we don’t know if the next stone will be sturdly enought to hold us….