I am what I am not

“I am not what I feel, but I can feel what I am not”. I know I am an emotional creature and that is why I have decided to write because writing creates a good ventilation for my soul and an awesome resource for my spirit. It is a vent because I can transport my thoughts out of my mind and create words; but this process of creation also brings more thoughts that invite me to understand better my spirituality and the relationship with God, Christ and the Spirit. It is a flow of thoughts and words trying to make sense of this *futile life(* know that this word it is a new word in my vocabulary and I am not sure if I am using it in right way) So when I say that I am not what I feel, but I can feel what I am not” sounds kind of confusing but it is the truth. My emotions and feelings are not my whole, but my emotions and feelings can help me learn what I am not, or teach me who I am. But I am not an emotional creature by itself, I am a very complex human being.  (and all these thoughts sometimes are driving crazy). Why I am telling you all these non-sense words?; well because yesterday happened something new to me: “crying in front of people”. Yes! I know that I talk a lot about being broken, messy, vulnerable etc etc etc, but crying? “no, no, no, that is not included in the package of being a broken person”. But yesterday it was!! (free for all). In Mexico you can hear a lot that “real men don’t cry”, but yesterday, me, a true Mexican was crying; he was being vulnerable. But you know in order to be healed, in order to take the pain away once in a while we need to cry. Even though I feel embarrassed for doing it and would like to hide underneath the ground, I have learned what I am not: I am not a real men(as in my country sometimes is defined), but a broken one. One who has a heart and not a rock inside.

Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God’s beloved children. (Henry Nouwen)

Nota para los que hablan español: siento mucho por los que no hablan Inglés pero mi mente esta un poco quemada por tanto sentimiento y me ha costado trabajo traducir mis pensamientos. Pero pronto lo haré.


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