Last Saturday was a very weird day. For the last weeks Paula and I have taken a walk through the neighborhood and spend really good Saturdays, oh but not the last one! We started really good, but in the middle of day the conversation about church came out and upset me as most of the times does. You know it is hard to accept it, but most of the time I feel a total failure in doing church, because I am measuring myself with the outside standards. I also feel total inadequate to do the ministry I am doing because I don’t feel that I am making any progress. According to the standards of any denominations results are visible (more people, more people serving, more people knowing) so when I see my reality after 7 years serving, a cloud of desperation surrounds my mind and I get upset with Paula, with myself, with the world, and I scream to God: “what am I doing here Lord?, I feel so incredible insignificant. I need direction”. As many times happens,He answered through the word of others. First a friend told me to stop worrying about the fruit because I am not the tree; then in my morning reading while preparing myself for Connection, Nouwen says: “Jesus says ‘if anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him take up his cross and follow me’ (Matthew 16:24) He does not say: ‘make a cross’ or ‘look for a cross’. Each of us has a cross to carry. There is no need to make one or look for one, The cross we have is hard enough for us! But are we willing to take it up, to accept it as our cross? May be we can not study, may be we are handicapped, may be we suffer from depression, may be we experience conflict in our families, may be we are victims of violence or abuse. We did not choose any of it, but these things are our crosses. we can ignore them, reject them, refuse them or hate them. But we can also take up these crosses and follow Jesus with them.” Could this be one of many of my crosses?…..then only 5 people arrived to Connection (the fewest since we started all this journey). We went to eat Mexican and enjoy the good company.
Today I am not writing in Spanish…lo siento