Photography by Lazarus Kauffman

I was recently thanked for being a “voice for the voiceless”; I have never identified myself as an “activist” – I really do not like the word, but in a sense, I think I have began to do so especially with the LGTBQ people of color to represent another voice and another face to the movement of equality and diversity in our society. A couple weeks ago I spoke at the Maryville College in East TN about justice for the immigrant community, and I outed myself in order to start bringing justice to my people as well. I know there are risks, but when I was asked why I did it, I responded, “in order to bring change I need to be the change” much like Gandhi’s famous quote: “Be the change you want to see in the world”.

I have been encouraged by many undocumented students in the USA who are coming out from the shadows to live without fear of retaliation with strength and hope to bring change. In the same way I cannot keep waiting in the shadows of society’s oppression, just because I am fearful of what could happen. Thirty-nine years hiding is enough time to start thinking about doing something different. I did not come out from the closet to keep myself inside while the outside world is moving. I did not come out to then hide. No, I did not! After losing my job, marriage, and receiving many judgmental statements from people who used to be close to me, I won’t let myself back inside; I am opening the outside door and shouting who I am: a gay, free spirited, immigrant, Mexican gordito who is defending the rights of “mi gente” (my people) and empowering them so they can also have a voice.

Others have said “be patient. ” I have been patient, but time is running out, and I am already 41 years old. The only way to bring justice to our people and restore human dignity is to be able to come out from the shadows, to speak out loud, to not be afraid, and to be the change. It is time!!

Six months ago while working as a community organizer for a state-wide non-profit, I was unfairly discriminated against by the director of Hispanic ministries of a religious institution in East Tennessee – not because of my place of origin, but because of my sexuality. She advised me not to contact the leaders I was already organized with, unless they were initiating the conversation. I was not allowed to teach inside of the church, and by no means was I going to be able to organize the undocumented youth because, as she stated, she wanted to “protect the vulnerable youth”. She also mentioned that if my organization wanted to organize the youth, someone else would have to do it for me. Ironically, she told me: “Miguel, you are very charismatic, and I am afraid that if the youth get to know you, they will add you to facebook, and then they will realize who you are. Then they will say ‘if I am ok with Miguel, then I am ok with his lifestyle, and I cannot be because the Church’s position is against it.”

My LIFESTYLE is to read, write, dance, and enjoy time with friends and family. I couldn’t understand why she was putting a halt on my work in east TN, especially since I do not work for the church, nor do I represent their beliefs.

Every time I went to facilitate a workshop, I never brought up my sexuality. I was there to organize “mi gente” and help them understand and defend their rights. I was there as a fellow “Latino” to stand beside them and raise one voice. I was there to build a movement; I was never there to share my personal agenda, although I believe I do not have a personal agenda besides talking to restore human dignity to the many hard working undocumented immigrants and bring back social justice for all.

As a community organizer and someone who believes in social justice and the restore of human dignity, I should welcome and value diversity, meaning that every person no matter what race, religion, gender, age, social class, or legal status is cherished. I need to create spaces free from discrimination and oppression, and this includes: sexism, heterosexism, classism, racism, etc. We cannot let silence become the ongoing remainder of people’s fear to change, because silence will take us back to fear and apathy.

Becoming a “voice for the voiceless” means being able to leave fear aside and speak loudly, because the moment I let silence reign, I am letting my voice being oppressed by the noise and screams of those who oppose the change. I lived like that; I am not doing it again.

Photo by Lazarus Kauffman

“When you are living your life, Miguel, What do you give and pass on to others? When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person? When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give… what will matter most to you? What you have done, and passed on? Or what you look like in the mirror?”

When Joshua asked me these set of questions, for one single moment, my inner self wanted to react in defend mode, but instead of pushing him out, and totally ignored his comments, I told him that I was going to think about it, and let them sit in my mind for a while. In my last article I mentioned why this conversation was so relevant? “Well because there are things happening in my job, and personal life that are attempting to sabotage and change the perception about myself. Most of the time when we think about “sabotaging” is about changing something positive to negative, well in my case is about facing my low self-esteem, in order to really believe with my whole being that I am a beautiful person inside-out, and I am worth to get the attention and appreciation of the people I am helping to and with, and to love me just the way I am: “gordito, chacheton, nalgón, con tremendos ojos verdes y un gran corazón” (fatty, chubby-cheeked, big butt with incredible green eyes and a great heart)”

These questions helped me to get to know the stranger within me, and the best way to do this was to answer each question and gave it my best try. The problem is that I told my friend that once I have written my answers, I will be accountable to him. It took me almost a month to be able to answer them, because being able to look deep in ourselves is one of the hardest things to do, the most frightened, and the least done. One of my father’s favorite movies, and soundtracks was Jonathon Livingston Seagull; there is a quote from it that says: “Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find what you already know, and you’ll see the way to fly”

Question #1: When you are living your life, what do you give and pass on to others?

I would like to pass to others the joy of living, tolerance to others, being able to accept or at least try to understand other people. To be able to listen to the one that is different, who thinks different, who has a different lifestyle than me, who has a different religion, who cannot accept me, but at the same time being able to listen to them and learn from them. I want to pass on to others the beauty to restore human dignity, and social justice to the oppressed ones. I would love to pass the respect to each other, even if we do not agree or understand others, at least we can give respect, and honor. To be able to enjoy the beauty of our humanity with all its faces, imperfections, flaws, qualities, gifts, and everything we can think about it. I want to be able to share with others the beauty of what music brings to the soul, specially the joy to Latin rhythms, and be able to realize that folk music is more than just notes, but tells people’s stories, and shares different cultures to us.

Question #2: When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person?

That person is someone who is friendly, who can see the beauty in everybody else, and even if the worst comes out, that is ok, because he likes to share the good and the bad in him; so people can truly identify with him, and find a commonality. He is always trying to give a smile, a helping hand, he listen to others, learn from others. He searches for spirituality and reads about it. He loves to connect people, he finds ways for strangers to meet, and may be they will become friends. He rejoices in making connections. He is reserved in the most intimate part of his life, but he does not matter to share to others. He is not prone to ask for help, but when he does, he does not care to show his imperfections, his lack of faith, his fears, and insecurities. He likes to help others, but not to create people who become help dependable, but to be able to empower them so they can find their own help within themselves. I enjoy when people are able to see their own potential and start to work to improve the lives of others. That person is an encourager, someone who empowers, to open his arms and embraces others, who is proud of who he is as a gay Latino-Mexican man, who regrets some parts of his history, and sometimes even gets ashamed; but he is trying to understand that history is something that has passed, and he needs to get all those experiences—good or bad—and learn from them and move on, step forward, and keep growing. He has a very big heart, and sometimes this heart hearts way too emotional and sensitive, and he easily gets overwhelmed, and the only way to take that pressure off is by venting out with his friends, or writing about it in his blog(www.uncomplicatedspirituality.wordpress.com)

Question #3: When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give,

What will matter most to you? The way I treated the people I encountered. I do not want to live my life worrying if I am eating well, or doing enough exercise—yes this is important if I want to live longer years—but I do not want this to be my life’s motto. Taking care of me is important, but taking care of someone else is even more valuable for me. People and relationships will be more valuable and more worthy at the end of my days. If I am able to encourage at least one person to continue the love, and passion I have to restore dignity to the undocumented, the indigenous people in Mexico, or the members of the LGTBQ community, then my life will be complete.

What you have done, and passed on? I hope I am able to bring a sense of community to the cities I will live, to restore human dignity and bring back social justice. To pass on the beauty of being free, and always celebrate who I am, and not just what I do.

What you look like in the mirror? I can say that after meditating in these questions asked by a good friend, after being evaluated by my boss and realized that I evaluated myself lower than what she did, and after the Spanish TV interview about my life; I am able to stand in front of the mirror and be able to see a very handsome man, with incredible green eyes, and sexy lips. I can see someone who has been able to overcome many difficulties, and he still fighting some of them, but he is able to stand up very proud of who he is and what he has accomplished in his life. I can admire his perseverance, his sense of spirituality, the way he mediate and pray through writing, listening, dancing or having a beer with a friend. His forgiveness towards others, and even towards his very difficult past is making him move on in his life. He is a good brother, a good son and a great friend.

Picture by Lazaruz Kauffamn

I have done something that could be seen as radical for so many people, I have deactivated my facebook account to join my brothers and sisters who are fasting in this month of Ramadan, as a way to clean my soul and concentrate in finding back the beauty of the solitude of myself.  Henry Nouwen in his book “Reaching out” said:

“Loneliness is one of the most universal human experiences, but our contemporary Western society has heightened the awareness of our loneliness to an unusual degree. The contemporary society in which we find ourselves makes us acutely aware of our loneliness. We become increasingly aware that we are living in a world where even the most intimate relationships have become part of competition and rivalry. Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Our culture has become most sophisticated in the avoidance of pain, not only our physical pain but our emotional and mental pain as well. By running away for our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament. We are in danger of becoming unhappy people suffering from many unsatisfied cravings and tortured by desires and expectations that never can be fulfilled.”

“When was the last time I heard from myself? “ This is what I asked this morning, and suddenly I realized I have totally forgotten about the inner joy of writing about my own journey. I have been so preoccupied with my own financial situation and with the pain of my father’s death; that I have not being able to really dive into the pain of my own loneliness. I have been trying to extinguish it by keeping myself busy, by traveling as much as possible, by becoming the best community organizer, by trying to find a partner for my love life, by finding friends, a church family, or things to do; so I can preoccupied my mind, and finding a way to escape from dealing with my own issues.

Of course as soon as I started to this time, I went again for training, and I found myself trapped in the business of my mind once again.  Some people think that my facebook fast is not enough, but for me it is more than enough because it has given me time to go back to the written word, and this written word is my own prayer. So when I start writing, I start praying; and when I say prayer, I am not talking about the pious insensible and repetitive prayer, but the one that talks to my heart and transformed my soul, and for me is called “the moment my mind starts questioning and writing”-prayer. Nouwen continued saying “…there are many ways to pray. When we are serious about prayer and no longer consider it one of the many things people do in their life, but rather, the basic receptive attitude out of which all of life can receive new vitality, we will, sooner or later, raise the question: ‘what is my way to pray, what is the prayer of my heart?’Just as artist search for the style that is most their own, so people who pray search for the prayer of their heart”.

Therefore, religion is not anymore a series of laws to follow, but a collection of spontaneous moments—a great sunset, a violent storm, a bird singing, chatting or texting with friends—that together create a way to talk to our soul. I respect all religion, and there is no right for me to criticize them, but for me, in this moment, I am truly becoming a free spirited person where my holy book is every book, letter, poem, or friend’s conversations that help me to be a better person, and sometimes to even enjoy the not so good parts of myself; where my god, goddess, Father, or Mother is represented by all humanity, and I can learn from everybody. Well after understanding this, last night I had a holy encounter, when I broke my daily facebook fast (from sunshine to sunset) and went into a deeper conversation with a friend.  At the end of that moment he gave me a couple of questions for me to answer, this is what he said:

“When you are living your life, Miguel, What do you give and pass on to others? When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person? When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give… what will matter most to you? What you have done, and passed on? Or what you look like in the mirror?”

Only someone who really cares for ourselves is brave enough to ask these questions to us. The most shocking thing is that this was the first time we were having a deeper conversation. But more of a conversation, he was in a monologue rampage with the whole purpose to encourage me and raise the level of my self-esteem to the highest. To believe that even as a “gordito” (fatty) what matter the most is how I feel with myself, and what I have inside of me, in my heart. He said: “You will be happy in every situation, if you like yourself. You just have to believe. The person who has the love to surprise your heart lives very close to you, he will stay with you. You just need to be happy, and be good to others, and he will understand your needs, and you will draw the right people to you”

Why this conversation is so relevant? Well because there are things happening in my job, and persona life that are attempting to sabotage and change the perception about myself. Most of the time when we think about “sabotaging” is about changing something positive to negative, well in my case is about facing my low self-esteem, in order to really believe with my whole being that I am a beautiful person inside-out, and I am worth to get the attention and appreciation of the people I am helping to and with, and to love me just the way I am: “gordito, chacheton, nalgón, con tremendos ojos verdes y un gran corazón” (fatty, chubby-cheeked, big butt with incredible green eyes and a great heart”

I still need to answer the questions he asked me, but I think that will be the second part of this article…..so for those who thought fasting from facebook is not good enough! ….well just try to read this big article done in a period of 3 hours in a good coffee shop in East Nashville: Ugly Mugs. The ironic of all this is that the whole conversations started when I posted the words of a song in facebook that said: “I am an ugly man who knows how to love, and he will love you in truth”, and here I am the “ugly man”, writing his prayer at the Ugly Mugs.  This is the kind of sense of good humor my father always taught me: “never stop to laugh”.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.

- Buddha

Anyway, that is a different story; my story is that instead of singing about justice, I was walking, making each of my steps a voice for those who are suffering injustices, who are been deported just because they do not have papers to work in this country, who are asking to leave the place they have been raised, educated, because their parents brought them with them to live the supposedly American Dream.  I was walking for those mothers who are handcuffed, taking to jail and being separated by their families as the most dangerous criminals, just because one day they decided to leave their country and cross the border to be working among us. I was raising my voice for the millions.  For a couple of moments the excitement within me almost made me cry, when all those voices were singing in one voice: “We won’t leave, and we will stay”. I was marching surrounded by complete families, coming from all over the South and beyond, Asians, African American, Latinos, Queer, white,  old, young, senior citizens, a group of moms with their  strollers, all walking while the heat was hitting on us with a temperature of 97 degrees.

Bono, once said, “we are looking for one million Americans to join the one campaign, not looking for your money, looking for your voice”, and then he started to sing the famous “One” with the message: “You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl, and I can’t be holding on to what you got When all you got is hurt .One love, One blood, One life, You got to do what you should. One life with each other Sisters, Brothers; One life but we’re not the same. We get to Carry each other, carry each other”.

Are we human enough to feel the pain of the undocumented immigrants in our land? Can we ask ours gods to soften out hearts to love and listen to their voices?  Can we let aside our prejudices, political insanities, and come down where the streets have no name, and march together with the oppressed, the rejected, and the ones that society uses for scapegoating?  Can we get together, thousands of people, and forget for one moment, in the midst of the streets of a city, and while drops of sweat are coming down like a heavy rain wetting the asphalt, and taking away our fears, pain, frustration, desperation, anger, and all these for the sake of justice?

YES!! We did it! And even though I missed the concert of my favorite group, I sang their songs while marching as an immigrant in this land and “I ran, hide thorn down the walls that hold me inside. I reached out, and touched the flame where the streets had not name. I felt the sunlight on my face, and I saw the dust could disappear without a trace” (U2, Paraphrased by author)

¡Si se puede! Yes we can!

There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and
do not pretend to be anything but who they are.
Brennan Manning

“So what can I change in order to work with the Church?” this question was presented to me as an idea or a thought if I wanted to keep working with the religious institutions and organized their members. (with very good intentions).

So if I was considering, or may be thinking about coming back to the church of my roots, this consideration has totally disappeared in one talk over dinner. My integrity as a human being and as an organizer has been questioned just for the fact that I have decided to live an openly, honest and free life. So it is better to live a life in secrecy, hiding who you are, than to be able to celebrate the beauty of the diversity in the land we live? Well according to my latest incident, yes it is. Secrecy and hiding is more important, valuable and respected, than freedom and vulnerability.

So, if you as a man or woman could change something of your nature as human being in order to work with others who are not very thrilled of you being a man or woman, what would this be? May be the way you dress, some traits of your personality or would you change the support of other women just to be able to get under the umbrella of an institution?

I believe I am a pretty balance person; I am not wild or crazy, but I enjoy who I am. It took me 39 years to realize that and to really celebrate the beauty of myself. I have always enjoyed joking with people, and being able to engage in good, deep and profound conversations. I know I could be fun to be with, and also because of the magnitude of my heart, sometimes get into very deep and down moods. I am a seeker of spirituality, believer of God in the many ways He or she will present to us. I accept others and sometimes it is very hard to understand the ones who are close-minded towards people who are different, and because of this I am also guilty of being close-minded to the people who do not accept who I am as a person.

I have never experienced discrimination due to my race or country of origin, and that could be because people think I do not look “Mexican”, especially because they have stereotyped Mexicans, and they do not realized that my country has 100 million in population with a very diverse group of people. I am white, tall, green eyes and “gordito” (a big guy), and my oldest sister is skinny, blond and blue eyes, both born and raised in Mexico. But in the last 2 years I have experienced a lot of discrimination and bigotry from people specially coming from religious institutions; and let me tell you I have not get used to it yet.

Discrimination according to Merriam Webster dictionary is defined as, the act, practice, or an instance of discriminating categorically rather than individually, or the treating of some people better than others without any fair or proper reason. When people act in ways that discriminate others, usually are called bigots, “a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially:
one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance” (Merriam Webster dictionary).

When I first faced discrimination was while I was still a local pastor in the United Methodist Church and I was not re-appointed in my position because of my personal decisions, and eventually my credentials were discontinued. During these times I received a couple of very disturbing comments of what I believe were people speaking out of their own ignorance about the subject. I remember a parishioner, who was my friend before she came and fellowship in my congregation, said: “one thing is to accept the fact you are getting a divorce, but another is to know that I have, as a pastor, a person who “celebrates his identity and is open about it” (I omitted the correct terminology in respect of people that may read this). Another great friend whom I have respected and loved for many years told me in a very loving way that if I continue with my decision to live this path, I was on way to death and hell. A good friend told me that the United States protects youth from people like me (referring to my gender).

I thought that leaving the church to go and work outside of the walls of the institution was going to be better, but that is not the case.  Bigotry is the illness of our times, is spreading faster than any other illness I have seen, and it seems that it is getting stronger and less educated. Again I am confronted to the fact that this small virus lives among us and it is extremely contagious.

Once we get ill by the venom of this virus, fear becomes the first symptom.  Suddenly there is nothing you can do besides thinking the many ways you could get in trouble. There is a strong paralysis in your mind, and there is no way you could move at all. Fear covers you, and attacks every cell in your desires, will, strength, and sanity. People will come with all kind of home recipes to battle this illness: a chamomile tea,  a bubble bath, go swimming and distract yourself, watch a movie, go hiking, take some days off, etc. But the reality is that the only way this will go away is when you are able to regained strength within you, and face the fear and bigotry by the bull’s horn. (In Mexico we have a saying “fight our own problems by the bull’s horn”, meaning that you need to face your fears just as they are, and be brave and courageous). This morning I saw this quote in the Facebook profile of new friend: “Courage faces fear, and thereby masters it” by Martin Luther King Jr.

So going back to that question, Do you think I should change as a person in order to adapt myself to the perceptions and idiosyncrasy of others to be a better community organizer and fight for social justice among our communities? Did Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Harvey Milk, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Cesar Chavez, Mahatma Gandhi, or Cardinal Romero changed in order to transform their communities? Lamentably most of these people, with the exception of Mother Teresa, were assassinated from people who did not agreed about their philosophy.  They were brave individuals who challenged the bigotry in their countries, who created an antidote for this illness, but they were not able to see the change, nevertheless they created a legacy.

In today’s world there are many people, who are risking their lives, status quo, jobs, or even the dream to live and stay in their country for the sake of justice and human dignity. To be recognized as important and value contributors of the society they live in spite of being undocumented, queer, poor, foreigner, outsider, native, indigenous, different, or even just an ally who will support their causes. This is the world I am proud of it, and I will join them in the front lines of the battle, even if I am rejected, excluded, persecuted, tried to be silenced, defamed, or betrayed.  These are the times to be unafraid, and I should learn that from the younger generation whom I proud.

Yes, I am Mexican, an immigrant, a big guy, supporter of my undocumented brothers and sisters, proud of the DREAMers who are willing to walk thousands of miles for their cause, and yes! I am Queer, Unafraid, Free and Proud.

Nobody can take this feeling away from me, simply nobody.