Solitude According to Miguel

loneliness is heavier when I have not translated into solitude; but in order to do so I need to dive into myself, and find the pain within me so I can resurrect the true self. Solitude is the moment I can say without hesitation: “With God and myself I am complete”; in consequence all other relationships will bring fulfillment to my life, but they will never bring significance. Is in solitude where I find my significance.

Two nights ago we celebrated the Birthday party of one of Faik’s best friends from Azerbaijan, we danced, took pictures, made a lot of noise and spend a good time in great company; oh the good noise of people!. Now just a 2 days later, I am sitting outside of my apartment, in a beautiful fall morning, with a cup of coffee, listening to Mozart’s mass in c minor, and in complete loneliness. I am almost 40 years, and after the noise of the night, I found myself, most of the time, alone with the only company of Christ and the rawness of my humanity,trying to start a new life that seems uncertain and unclear. I know I am free, but that does not mean I found my significance.

To be able to do this I need to face the deeper of my pains, doubts, insecurities and found myself totally naked in front of the mirror, in front of my God, and in that moment of inadequacy, in that moment of awkwardness, in finding myself alone, cold and without anything that can cloth me; in that precisely moment I will be able to say that my loneliness has been transformed into solitude, when my search for significance will end and hopefully I will be able to live the rest of the years God has allowed me to be in this world in full awareness of the beauty of my humanity and the space I was given to share it with others.

In the mid time my loneliness is still very painful, and it hurts. I wonder how Christ felt the moment he found himself crying out to God the Father: “Papa, Father, you can—can’t you?—get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want—what do you want?” An incredible loneliness who in the midst of suffering was transformed into finding His significance, even though the journey to start was going to be the hardest one ever walked by him.

In loneliness we can be surrounded by many and still feel alone; in solitude we can be without anybody and feel surrounded by God’s presence and the great knowledge of having found the truthfulness of my self. This is my goal in life and still walking towards that

Sympathy

Sometimes I can easily focus so much in myself and my own problems and inadequacies that I forget there are others who have life even more difficult than me. I read a quote from Maslow that says, “Self-actualizing people have a deep feeling of identification, sympathy, and affection for human beings in general. They feel kinship and connection, as if all people were members of a single family.” I wonder why we think that what makes a family is going to Sunday church when in reality what makes a family is not what we do, but who we are as people with the kinship and connection towards others. For the last days I have been able to leave my isolated cave and move into the wilderness of the lives of the people I know. I have been listening to their stories, give a helping hand, cry with them, loose hope and get it back, wonder about future and even life itself, act like little children with new toys, dance salsa, or even play rummikub until 2:00 in the morning knowing that I will have to wake up early to go to church.

But the greatest teaching about sympathy came from three good friends and students at Tennessee Technological University; you see for the last 2 or 3 years I have gone through very emotional journey and once in a while I get into times were my soul gets overwhelmed and I ended up in a stage of self-pity and dive into a very profound depression. I did not want to see anybody or do anything, I just wanted to be at my home feeling miserable about my “supposedly” very complicated and unworthy life. I was there swimming in the sea of tears when suddenly a loud noise transported me back into reality, somebody knocked at the door. -”who could be?”, I said to myself, “I have never received a visit from church people, some I will say, not even know where I live”. I dressed up and went to the door to find out there were three students that came to kidnap me and rescue me from my misery. They simple said: “we came three people, but we will leave four”. So in a defensive way because they have attacked my own privacy and my right to feel down I asked them why do they came?. Again they just answered me,”because that is what friends are for. We will not leave this place unless you come with us, if you do not want to go, then we will stay with you.” Sympathy, “the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another “ (Merreiam-Webstern dictionary).

Let me share this, experiencing God is not all about activities, programs and Sunday services or masses; it is truly about these little events that happen during the rest of the week, when we realize we do not have our lives in control and we need others to help us. God can not be real if we just create a space where we come and “worship” every week, but we can not cry, laugh, get upset, discouraged, depressed, homesick, with the people around us. How can we sing hymns if we can not accept the one who has different lifestyle? How can we be a family without the kinship and the connection?

There is more in life than my own selfish life,

There is more in life than Sunday services,

There is more of God out there, that what is inside…

 

The moment these three people reached out to me, they touched my heart and kinship and connection was born. This is the meaning of Christ’s words when he said, love God,but also love others.