Monotony

What happen when we realized that our life is not what we have always dreamed about? What happen when we found ourselves in a place of  stuckness? When we cannot move forward and it seems that going backwards is the only way out.

Lately I have been living on a daily basics, hour by hour, day by day, month by month without any sense of direction; tired of not knowing where I am going. Apathy has surrounded my mind and the routine of life has become unbearable.

I have lived in this country for almost eight years and still I do not have the freedom to go back to Mexico without the proper permission of  Homeland Security. Waiting for the permanent residence to arrive without not knowing when it will come is almost like what faith is all about. The problem I see right now is that my faith is unclear, and moving a step forward seems so difficult.

It is a life of monotony.

According to the Merriam-Western dictionary monotony means tedious sameness, lack of variation or variety, tiresome sameness or uniformity.

Could faith and community become monotony? and How can I change that?

Be yourself

Today I was talking to a good friend of mine about being real to ourselves. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to impress everybody else, trying to please our boss, our friends, our family that we can easily forget about who we are. We create sub-worlds were we can interact with different people always showing just want we want to share with them. As a pastor I would like to share a kind of holiness and intimacy with God so others can see my example and find God. As a friend I would like to be as perfect as I can be so they can admire my personality. As a co-worker I would like to appear  as honest as possible so I can be admired; but at the end of the day I find myself empty, trying to decide who am I? Henry Nouwen says, “

Be Yourself

Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.

We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do.

Be yourself!

That’s it

I do not really remember when I wrote about the “Christ of my roots” and how I  re-discovered the Christ of my childhood, the one I was taught by father Christian Jean from the Catholic School I went . This same Christ changed through out my life in the protestant church.

I have also realized that the Latin-American protestantism stole my culture, the beauty and joy to be a Latino and enjoy our music, art, and interaction to different people. The richness of living in diversity.  Herny Nouwen said a very strong statement about his re-discovering of Christ, “The Jesus that I had come to know in my youth had died”, and this has also happened to me, because the Jesus I know now it is not even close to the one I used to know. Don’t take me wrong, it is not that Jesus changed, because He hasn’t. God was, is and will be, but my perception and understanding of Him has changed and is still changing; so it is hard for me to go back the the emptyness of religion. I don’t want to be classified as protestant, not either a Catholic, but I want to be known as someone who is trying to seek God and that’s it!!

From my wounds

No one ever promised that the fastest horse in the race was the easiest one to ride –Erick J. Joiner, Jr.

I chose to study Sociology because I like to know about people, but sometimes I wonder if studying that will help me to interact with them, because I am rough as the bark of a tree. Brennan Manning says in his book,  posers, fakers and wannabes: “We hide behind pretty faces which we put on for the benefit of our public. And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like”. Personal relationships should be one of the classes offered in universities and seminaries because we live in a world of people.

Even though I don’t want to recognize it, I place expactations on others. I want pastors to behave in certain way, students to act in a different way, friends to treat me the way I want to be treated; but the reality is that expectations are always harmful, because and most of the time, are selfish desires for my own comfort. I get upset when someone has not fulfill my expectations.

But the reality is that I do not want to be known as the grates and most organized leader, or the one who knows how to respond correctly to every person. I do want to be known as someone who can connect people  so they can serve their community and someone who can be open to new ideas always knowing that I will serve out of my wounds, and not from my strengths.

Pretending we have no wounds is a self-absorbed lie
–B. Manning

Yes I still do

I am amazed how imperfect I am as a human being and how much learning do I have to do every single day.
Today, specially, I asked myself these questions: where is the life’s manual to behave in this world? Where do we learn those behaviors and conducts of interaction? How come we are not born with a small manual so we can handle the adversities and challenges we face every day?.
In all these years serving I know that eventually I will hurt, disappoint, and frustrate someone –friends, family, wife and every person I have interact with–, but the most difficult thing when facing these moments is when I discover my imperfections on dealing with people, or even in dealing with myself. Sometimes I still wonder and I ask where my call is….Yes I still doo