Existencial Crisis

Last Saturday was a very weird day. For the last weeks Paula and I have taken a walk through the neighborhood and spend really good Saturdays, oh but not the last one! We started really good, but in the middle of day the conversation about church came out and upset me as most of the times does. You know it is hard to accept it, but most of the time I feel a total failure in doing church, because I am measuring myself with the outside standards. I also feel total inadequate to do the ministry I am doing because I don’t feel that I am making any progress. According to the standards of any denominations results are visible (more people, more people serving, more people knowing) so when I see my reality after 7 years serving, a cloud of desperation surrounds my mind and I get upset with Paula, with myself, with the world, and I scream to God: “what am I doing here Lord?, I feel so incredible insignificant. I need direction”. As many times happens,He answered through the word of others. First a friend told me to stop worrying about the fruit because I am not the tree; then in my morning reading while preparing myself for Connection, Nouwen says: “Jesus says ‘if anyone wants to be a follower of mine, let him take up his cross and follow me’ (Matthew 16:24) He does not say: ‘make a cross’ or ‘look for a cross’. Each of us has a cross to carry. There is no need to make one or look for one, The cross we have is hard enough for us! But are we willing to take it up, to accept it as our cross? May be we can not study, may be we are handicapped, may be we suffer from depression, may be we experience conflict in our families, may be we are victims of violence or abuse. We did not choose any of it, but these things are our crosses. we can ignore them, reject them, refuse them or hate them. But we can also take up these crosses and follow Jesus with them.” Could this be one of many of my crosses?…..then only 5 people arrived to Connection (the fewest since we started all this journey). We went to eat Mexican and enjoy the good company.

Today I am not writing in Spanish…lo siento

Third Simple Rule-Tercer Regla Sencilla

I am done with the little book of Rueben P. Job about the “three simple rules”-A Wesleyan Way of Living, and honestly I agree with the author that without this last rule it will be extremely hard to develop and practice the last two because in order to not harm and do good I need to stay in love with God. Then I realized that in order to stay in love I need to decide to love, to keep moving even if the relationship seem hallow, even if difficulties saturate my life, even if images of my past come to hunt me, even if He seems distant and silent. I need to keep moving forward to love Him. I need to “stay connected, in touch and in love with my trusted Abba” (Rouben). But there is a danger in all these and this is how I feel now. Yes! I want to stay in love of God but “spiritual disciplines not only include practices that bind us to God every day but they also include actions that heal the pain, injustice, and inequality of our world” (Rouben). I can not keep pretending I don’t care about injustices, inequality and pain. I can not keep ignoring the many voices of this world who are suffering. I cannot stay in love with Abba without staying in love with Abba’s people. I would like this to be my heart’s prayer: “Father as much as I love you help me to love those who are in pain, who are going into injustices and those who are rejected, help me to love my own”. Then  this is when words must become  flesh, “The word is always a word for others”(Nouwen). It can not be just a word for myself if I live in this world.

Ya termine el librito de Rueben P. Job acerca de las tres reglas sencillas-la manera de vivir de Wesley y estoy en acuerdo con lo que dice el autor que sin la última regla no puedo vivir las dos anteriores, ya que para que no pueda dañar y hacer el bien tengo que mantenerme enamorado de Dios. Y después me doy cuenta que para que pueda mantenerme enamorado tengo que decidir amar, de seguir moviendome hacia adelante aunque la relación se sienta hueca, aun si las dificultades saturan mi vida, aún si imagenes de mi pasado llegan cazandome, aún cuando yo lo sienta ausente y en silencio. Necesito seguir moviendome hacia amarlo. Necesito “permancer conectado, en contacto, y enamorado de mi confiable Abba” (Rouben). Pero veo un peligro en todo esto y es como me siento ahora. ¡Así es! quiero permanecer enamorado de él, pero “las disciplinas espirituales no solo nos mantienen unidos a Dios todos los dias, también incluyen acciones que sanan el dolor, las injusticias y la iniquidades del mundo.”(Rueben). No puedo seguir pretendiendo que no me importan el dolor, las injusticias e iniquidades de mi alredor, de mi mundo. No puedo seguir ignorando las muchas voces de este sufriente mundo. No puedo seguir manteniéndome enamorado de Abba sin enamorarme de la gente de Abba. Quiciera que esta fuera mi oración del corazón: “de la misma manera que te amo ayudame a amar a aquellos que estan en dolor, que estan pasando injusticias, y que han sido rechazadas, ayudame a amar a los mios” Aqui es cuando las palabras se hacen carne, “La palabra es siempre una palabra para los demás” (Nouwen) No puede ser solamente una palabra para mi si es que vivo en este mundo.

Words-Palabras

How important do I consider the many words I say during the day? Most of time I will speak “words” without even thinking what I am saying. Most of the time I don’t even want to say anything specially if I don’t know how to pronounce it. Contrary to what people may think about me, most of the time I don’t even know what words to say. Some of the words that flied out  are complains and frustrations, and I wonder how many words of hope do I say every week. Words are so commonly spoken in our daily life that I wonder how many of those words do I really notice them? How many of those words are making an impact in my heart? or How many of those words are touching others? Are my words instruments of Abba’s grace, love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness? or they are just words without meaning?. “Words can offer perspective, insight, understanding, and vision. Words can bring consolation, comfort, encouragement and hope. Words can take away fear, isolation, shame, and guilt. Words can reconcile, unite, forgive, and heal. Words can bring peace and joy, inner freedom and deep gratitude. Words, in short, can carry love on their wings. A word of love can be the greatest act of love. That is because when our words become flesh in our own lives and the lives of others, we can change the world.” (Henry Nouwen).

¿Qué tan importantes son las muchas palabras que digo durante del día? Muchas de las veces digo “palabras” sin ni siquiera pensar en lo que estoy diciendo. Muchas veces ni quiero decir nada especialmente cuando no se como pronunciarlo. Contrario de lo que la gente piensa de mi, muchas veces no se ni que decir. Algunas de las palabras que vuelan son quejas y frustraciones y me pregunto ¿cuántas palabras de esperanza digo en la semana? Las palabras son tan común y corrientes en nuestra vida diaria que me pregunto ¿Cuántas de esas palabras puedo distinguir? ¿Cuántas de esas palabras hacen un impacto en mi corazón? o ¿Cuántas de esas palabras tocan a otros? ¿Son acaso mis palabras instrumentos de la gracia, el amor, la misericordia, la compasión y el perdón de Abba (Dios)? o ¿Son palabras sin sentido, ni significado? “Las palabras pueden ofrecer una perspectiva, un entendimiento o visión. Las palabras pueden traer consuelo, ánimo y esperanza. Las palabras pueden alejar el miedo, la soledad, la culpa y la vergüenza. Las palabras pueden reconciliar, unir, perdonar y sanar. Las palabras pueden traer paz y gozo, libertad interior y profundo agradecimiento. Las palabras en resumen, cargan amor en sus alas. Una palabra de amor puede ser el mayor acto de amor. Ya que cuando nuestras palabras se hacen carne en nuestra vida y en la vida de los demás, entonces podemos cambiar el mundo” (Henry Nouwen)

Enchanted Parsonge-La Casa Pastoral Encantada

Last night we went for the first time to Cumberland County Play House to see the Beauty and the Beast, where the wife of our friend John was performing as “Mrs. Pott”. The play was very well done, all the actors and actresses were fabulous with amazing voices. If you live around this area you should go to the play house and enjoy the many performances they have during the year. The funny thing in this story is that after the play was done John started to text me funny titles about the play and the next one was hilarious, “Welcome to the Beauty and the Priest. The story of a women locked in an enchanted parsonage“. ( I would love to write

about the many parsonages stories) I laughed so hard because I imagine how many pastor’s wives are living in this conditions, and I have heard many parsonages stories that sometimes are funny and other times a little bit scary. The exchange of text messages lasted even until Saturday morning with John sending an overflow of different titles, some more creative than others like ,”the cutie and the fleece. The story of a sheep in love”. I know this is silly but what I liked about all these is that John is free to send me these messages knowing I will laugh or at least I will realize the horrible sense of humor he has. For a couple of moments we both forgot our pastoral positions and became just two good friends laughing about the simple things in life….but I still think I need to research for parsonage’s stories, just to brink a little bit of humor to our ministries.(so if you have a story send it to: carpizomiguel@yahoo.com)

Do Good- Haz el bien

Second rule of the three simple rules of Wesley’s: Do Good. “Oh! thank you Mr. Wesley this is the greatest revelation I have ever had in my entire life, for now on I will live happy ever lasting!!” Why this doesn’t sound like a true statement?, well for the simple reason that it is not so simple. Yes I know is a simple rule, but it is not as simple as it sounds. To begin I am imperfect, and as an imperfect person I do imperfect stuff right? So how is that an imperfect person can do good? The answer is just like the author says, “the truth is that my gift of goodness may be rejected, ridiculed, and misused. But my desire to do good is not limited by the thoughts or actions of others. My desire to do good is in response to God’s invitation to follow Jesus, and it is in my control”. In other words I am able to to do good not because of what I am, but of whom is within me. I don’t do good just because; the Spirit of the Living God that dwells in me does good through me and that is what I call “excessive-incredible” grace. So it doesn’t matter the result of my pretending or true goodness, the result of it will never be measure by the thoughts or actions of others but by my thoughts and actions towards the one I follow. So then I realized that goodness is not about being recognized or successful, but it is about deepen my relationship with Him……Changing the subject, have you ever asked what are you doing working in the job you are working now? what is God’s big picture?…well let’s not get complicated, it is time to do good!

Segunda regla de las tres sencillas reglas de Wesley es: Haz el Bien. ¡oh wow! “Muchas gracias Señor Wesley, ésta es la más grande revelación que jámas haya recibido en mi vida, de ahora en adelante viviré feliz hasta la eternidad” ¿Porqué esta oración suena un poco extraña?, bueno pues por la sencilla razón que no es tan sencillo como suena. Primeramente soy una persona imperfecta y como persona imperfecta hago cosas imperfectas, ¿verdad?, entonces me pregunto ¿comó es que una persona imperfecta como yo puede hacer bien? La respuesta esta en lo que dice el autor, “La verdad es que mi don de la bondad puede que sea rechazado, ridiculizado y usado en mal manera. Pero mi deseo de hacer el bien no esta limitado por los pensamientos o acciones de los demás. Mi deseo de hacer el bien es en respuesta a la invitación de Dios de seguir a Jesús, y esta en mi control absoluto”. En otras palabras puedo hacer el bien no por lo que soy, sino por quien esta en mí. Yo no puedo hacer bien solo por que si, el Espíritu del Dios vivo que mora en mi hace el bien a través de mi, y eso mis amigos es lo que yo llamo la increible y excesiva gracia. Asi que no importa el resultado de mi aparente o exitosa bondad; ya que el resulatdo no sera medido por los pensamientos y acciones de los demás, sino por los pensamientos y acciones hacia aquel a quien sigo. Así que me doy cuenta que la bondad no es para ser reconocida o para ser exitosa sino para profundizar en mi relación con Él…..y cambiando de tema, ¿alguna ves te has preguntado que andas haciendo trabajando en donde estas trabajando? ¿Cuál es la gran pintura que Dios esta haciendo porque aveces solo veo el pincel?….bueno mejor no hay que entrar en complicaciones, es tiempo de hacer el bien.