I Do Understand

I know is hard for you to believe this, but i know and I can understand your heart.

If you have ever feel rejected, I do understand;

if you feel depressed, I do understand;

if you have been down, I have been there also and I am there right now;

if you do not feel like you could find God in any place, I know your feelings;

if you are gay seeking for that heavenly strength but wondering where is it, and a safe place for you to be yourself, believe me I understand.

If you ever feel lonely, I am with you.

If anguished has surrounded your life, I do understand.

If you ever went through a divorce, I know your pain.

If you have been criticized, judged and people have point the finger on you before listened to your heart; oh ! I truly know and understand that.

But guess what? from a person who truly understand you are not alone!!!!

I wont have all the answers, and I am sure I do not have them at all, but I want to be your friend , listen to your heart in silence, and may be, at least we can help each other.

This is what God for me is all about.” If the good news are not for everybody, then they are not good for anybody”(Rob Bell).

His Grace is for everybody, it does not matter what we do, or what others say about us, but is all about who we are in God’s eyes, who are not in the eyes of the religious pious people, but on the eyes of the common people around us.Seek God in every heart, in every face, in every hand.

The Power of Accepting

Today, I do not feel good at all. Dealing with the illness of depression is really making a mark in my heart, Sometimes I wonder how do I ended up in this? A stage of uncertainty.

Today someone I started to know and appreciate came to my house to let me know that even though he loves me, he do not agree with my decision to separate from Paula because it was not fulfilling the prerequisites of a pastor due to the divorce, and he believe I was not in the position to serve others.

Nobody in this earth could ever know the pain and the struggle Paula and I went in the search for my identity, people can tell me that I am not qualified to minister others because I am not perfect, but who is?. He told me that I was not fulfilling the Biblical perspective of what a true pastor should be. I wonder if every man or woman who would like to serve others, if they were truly sincere and honest with themselves, vulnerable and open, broken and flaw, if they would ever have the requisites to really be a perfect minister? How can we serve others if we can not identify with them? with their pain, struggle, abandonment, sadness, and rejection? Where does it say that?

Henry Nouwen said, “No minister can keep his own experiences of life hidden from those he wants to help. No minister can offer service without a constant and vital acknowledgment of his own experiences. Making one’s own wounds a source of healing, therefore, does not call for a sharing of superficial personal pains but for a constant willingness to see one’s own pain and suffering as rising from the depth of the human condition which all men share. The idea of the wounded healer does not contradict the concept of self-realization, or self-fulfillment, but deepens and broadens it” (The Wounded Healer) After 2010 years, with all the advancements in technology we have, and the deep and profound thinking of many people, how can we not see serving as something coming out from our own wounded heart? This is the only way we are going to be able to understand our neighbor’s pain.

We (Paula and I) believe our time to be together came to an end and in her beautiful love she released me to become the one I have been searching for many years.Nobody can tell me how difficult of a decision was that. Freedom is liberating, but painful at the same time.

I believe in a merciful God and this God is with me and with her.

Please know that WE ARE NOT coming back together because we believe, very strong in our heart, this is the will of God for this time, this hour, and this moment for us. Only Paula and I know the whole ordeal, so before you make any conclusions about us according to your Biblical perspectives or religious convictions; I will encourage you to stop for a moment and listen to our hearts, stop for a moment and clean our tears, stop for a moment and see beyond your so rigid beliefs and come down with us to our heart. We do not want the perfect advice, we do not want your pity; we just want your friendship. Your wounded, loving friendship.

And please know that Paula is my best friend, I love her as I have never loved someone one, I care for her and i am holding her hand, as a friend, and I know she is also holding mine. We did not separate out of hate or bitterness, we did it because we love each other so much that we understood this was the best thing to do, blessed by our Father and supported by our families.

So, please, just come down to our heart and in silence you may cry, laugh, or just be with us, that is more powerful than any advice or Biblical conviction.This is call the power of accepting and this is what the world needs more than anything else.

“Grace and wholeness….these have always been the deepest longings in our souls… we will continue this journey of trying to live from our heart, connected to our soul, staring our junk right in the face. We will keep letting what Gods says about us shape what we believe about ourselves….there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ, this… See More Way leaves no room for shame and guilt. Miguel, never forget that God is not interested in shaming people and that we will never be able to lead people somewhere we are not trying to go ourselves.” (Paula Martinez)

I am also your neighbor.

I broke the bread with a family today; I was invited to have dinner and share a moment of our lives together. While there I received one of the most beautiful words I have lately received. Hanna, a young woman, who started to come to Connection on summer told me: “Miguel sometimes we need to carry the pastor in our back”. I almost broke into tears in front of her and her mom, because in the past years I have been so burden by the expectation of others to be the strong one, the one with the vision, the creator of ministry that honestly I am really close to give up. But Hanna went further and with a very compassionate heart she decided that it was time for me to be carried. Coming back from their house I could not do nothing else but cry.

I realized that I have been running on empty for the last 12 months, cruising without any gas inside of me, and the moment to stop was approaching. But her words and compassionate heart suddenly were the fresh water I needed in that specific moment, You know, even though, I have always talked about looking into church in a different perspective, and be able to re-think the way we see spirituality in our lives; I do desire God, connectivity and a sense to family with others who are also seekers of this divine strength.Not from programs, activities and Sunday school, not from discipleship classes, conferences or great “preaching”; but for real intimacy with the people we are surrounded; so we can carry each other. I DO NOT want to keep doing this by myself. I need you, my friend, my brother, my community to keep living as human being full of deep emotions. I want to hear your pain, but please I hope you can also hear mine. I want to give you my hand, but please let me also take your hand, I would love to go and visit you at your home and break bread with you; but please come and visit me at my house and break bread with me. As you need direction, I also need for you to carry me, specially now. Please change your self-righteousness face and become a wounded healer; identifying yourself with the suffering, pain and need of the people among you, even the one who for many years have tried to be your spiritual leader. You know I am also your neighbor.

Hanna, your words were honey to my so broken heart. Muchas gracias for your friendship, and I am grateful that our journeys crossed. Thank you once again.

Little Deaths

“Some people had hurt me deeply, and some had been deeply hurt by me. My inner life had been shaped by theirs. I experienced a real temptation to hold on to them in anger or guilt. But I also knew that I could choose to let them go and surrounded myself completely to a new life in Christ. It is a series of little deaths in which we are asked to release many forms of clinging and to move increasingly from needing others to living for them. Do I desire power or service; do I want to be visible or remain hidden; do I strive for a successful career or do I keep following my vocation? In this sense, we can speak about life as a long process of dying to self, so that we will be able to live in the joy of God and give our lives completely to others” (Nouwen)

Through all my years living, I have been learning to say good bye to good friends, some because I have hurt so bad that it was better for us to discontinue our relationships; others because they hurt me so much and may be still do that they became toxic friends. So saying goodbye to them are like little deaths to my soul. It does not matter if they hurt me or I hurt them, not being able to have them in my life, in this journey is like something inside of me dies and their memories still in my heart. One of the hardest pain I have felt as a human being is the lost of a good friendship. Most of this happens because we can not accept the reality that we are just human beings with so many imperfections, so we hurt and get hurt, and it is so hard to go beyond the pain. These little deaths left a mark in my heart and soul that even after time still there. Some the time will help us forget them, well that is what we think, but in a way for some strange reason they are resurrected. When this happens I started to think about them, and unfortunately most of the time there is no thought about them, not even a melancholic emotion.

Almost 24 years ago when I was finish Jr. High, I had a friend who I considered one of my best friends, he was the first person I shared my heart and my struggle in life, but when that happened he totally turned his back on me. That was one of the hardest death of a friend I have ever experienced. It was so hurtful that changed the direction of my life completely. It took me years to be healed. These deaths still happen and I know they will keep happening; but now I think my heart has learned how to overcome adversities, and the perspective of life is different. Every time I friendship dies, a part of me goes with him or her, a part of me dies; so I need to hold on in the love I get from Christ so he can help me recuperate that little part that went away.

But my life is not clinging on those dying, but on the ones still living close to me, in the words shared, in the space where moments become living moments of a life shared together. In those souls who can see beyond my imperfections, flawless, weaknesses, and allow me to see their raw humanity in them. These are worth living and giving my whole heart to them. These are my brothers and sisters in this journey I have always called LIFE.

Lion & Lamb

While I keep thinking what else to write in this on going project called, “my first book”, I get more deeper into my thoughts. I am writing at least 2 hours a day and sometimes is hard because I have to share it with my job, school and the many relationships I have. But this is exactly what my book will be an on going interaction with myself and the world around me. I could not write anything if I was isolated in a deserted island. My words are part of my local community, and only through them I can find the inspiration I needed to trace with the ink of my soul the many phrases that will make possible the fulfillment of this project. So every time I write, your words are with me, your thoughts help me to overcome any doubts about stopping, and the interaction I have with old and new friends have always inspired me to keep living, keep thinking and keep writing.

But I am still a human being, dealing with an on going illness call depression(many of you do not know about this), that sometimes fills my mind with fear, doubt and uncertainty; and that is when–believe it or not–the flow of thoughts is bigger and when I usually can write more chapters. I have learned that in the midst of my own vulnerability, real inspiration comes to me. Very odd I know, but that is why this book will be different, because it is been written out in the midst of my own search; walking every page and learning with them.

Henry Nouwen in The Dance of Life said, “There is within you a lamb and a lion. Spiritual maturity is the ability to let the lamb and lion lie down together. Your lion is your adult, aggressive self. It is your initiative-taking and decision-making self. But there is also your fearful, vulnerable lamb, the part of you that needs affection, support, affirmation and nurturing. When you heed only your lion, you will find yourself overextended and exhausted. When you take notice of your lamb, your will easily become a victim of your need for other people’s attention. The art of spiritual living is to fully claim both your lion and your lamb.”

People think that because I am a pastor I need to bring out the lion on me. To be strong and have my life under control, to be an example to others, to maintain a discipline life, to create programs, activities, discipleship classes, to always have a word of encouragement, to always know what to say and give on Sunday mornings, to manage well my household, to live a “holly” life, to maintain the living standards of the Holly Bible. But how come we always look for the lion in others and we forget the lamb. I have never heard a church goer saying: “oh my pastor is the most needed person of all, who needs my support, affirmation, affection and nurture”. If we could just recognized these two parts in each other, let me tell you church will be a true sanctuary.

Recognizing these two parts in me “will help me ask for affection and care without betraying my talent to offer leadership” (Nouwen). But it is a lamb massacre if we keep showing the lions to others. The standards of Christ are to be able to live with both, but principally within the lamb in us. I do not know if I am wrong in these or if I am basing my pastoral role in my own understandings of what I should be as a person. May be I am trying to re-thinking what a minister should be without leaving to the monastery, or living behind all life’s commodities. May be a minister is not about portraying only the lion or lamb in us, but being able to put these two together. So how come when hiring a pastor we focus more in the lion’s side than in the lamb, I thought we were supposed to minister out of our weaknesses, so God can be our strength….oh my!!! I need to stop because I am getting more confused.

….to be continued.