A Voice for the Voiceless

Photography by Lazarus Kauffman

I was recently thanked for being a “voice for the voiceless”; I have never identified myself as an “activist” – I really do not like the word, but in a sense, I think I have began to do so especially with the LGTBQ people of color to represent another voice and another face to the movement of equality and diversity in our society. A couple weeks ago I spoke at the Maryville College in East TN about justice for the immigrant community, and I outed myself in order to start bringing justice to my people as well. I know there are risks, but when I was asked why I did it, I responded, “in order to bring change I need to be the change” much like Gandhi’s famous quote: “Be the change you want to see in the world”.

I have been encouraged by many undocumented students in the USA who are coming out from the shadows to live without fear of retaliation with strength and hope to bring change. In the same way I cannot keep waiting in the shadows of society’s oppression, just because I am fearful of what could happen. Thirty-nine years hiding is enough time to start thinking about doing something different. I did not come out from the closet to keep myself inside while the outside world is moving. I did not come out to then hide. No, I did not! After losing my job, marriage, and receiving many judgmental statements from people who used to be close to me, I won’t let myself back inside; I am opening the outside door and shouting who I am: a gay, free spirited, immigrant, Mexican gordito who is defending the rights of “mi gente” (my people) and empowering them so they can also have a voice.

Others have said “be patient. ” I have been patient, but time is running out, and I am already 41 years old. The only way to bring justice to our people and restore human dignity is to be able to come out from the shadows, to speak out loud, to not be afraid, and to be the change. It is time!!

Six months ago while working as a community organizer for a state-wide non-profit, I was unfairly discriminated against by the director of Hispanic ministries of a religious institution in East Tennessee – not because of my place of origin, but because of my sexuality. She advised me not to contact the leaders I was already organized with, unless they were initiating the conversation. I was not allowed to teach inside of the church, and by no means was I going to be able to organize the undocumented youth because, as she stated, she wanted to “protect the vulnerable youth”. She also mentioned that if my organization wanted to organize the youth, someone else would have to do it for me. Ironically, she told me: “Miguel, you are very charismatic, and I am afraid that if the youth get to know you, they will add you to facebook, and then they will realize who you are. Then they will say ‘if I am ok with Miguel, then I am ok with his lifestyle, and I cannot be because the Church’s position is against it.”

My LIFESTYLE is to read, write, dance, and enjoy time with friends and family. I couldn’t understand why she was putting a halt on my work in east TN, especially since I do not work for the church, nor do I represent their beliefs.

Every time I went to facilitate a workshop, I never brought up my sexuality. I was there to organize “mi gente” and help them understand and defend their rights. I was there as a fellow “Latino” to stand beside them and raise one voice. I was there to build a movement; I was never there to share my personal agenda, although I believe I do not have a personal agenda besides talking to restore human dignity to the many hard working undocumented immigrants and bring back social justice for all.

As a community organizer and someone who believes in social justice and the restore of human dignity, I should welcome and value diversity, meaning that every person no matter what race, religion, gender, age, social class, or legal status is cherished. I need to create spaces free from discrimination and oppression, and this includes: sexism, heterosexism, classism, racism, etc. We cannot let silence become the ongoing remainder of people’s fear to change, because silence will take us back to fear and apathy.

Becoming a “voice for the voiceless” means being able to leave fear aside and speak loudly, because the moment I let silence reign, I am letting my voice being oppressed by the noise and screams of those who oppose the change. I lived like that; I am not doing it again.

Getting to Know the Stranger in me (The Hard Road of Love, Part II)

“No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.”
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry~

Photo by Lazarus Kauffman

“When you are living your life, Miguel, What do you give and pass on to others? When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person? When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give… what will matter most to you? What you have done, and passed on? Or what you look like in the mirror?”

When Joshua asked me these set of questions, for one single moment, my inner self wanted to react in defend mode, but instead of pushing him out, and totally ignored his comments, I told him that I was going to think about it, and let them sit in my mind for a while. In my last article I mentioned why this conversation was so relevant? “Well because there are things happening in my job, and personal life that are attempting to sabotage and change the perception about myself. Most of the time when we think about “sabotaging” is about changing something positive to negative, well in my case is about facing my low self-esteem, in order to really believe with my whole being that I am a beautiful person inside-out, and I am worth to get the attention and appreciation of the people I am helping to and with, and to love me just the way I am: “gordito, chacheton, nalgón, con tremendos ojos verdes y un gran corazón” (fatty, chubby-cheeked, big butt with incredible green eyes and a great heart)”

These questions helped me to get to know the stranger within me, and the best way to do this was to answer each question and gave it my best try. The problem is that I told my friend that once I have written my answers, I will be accountable to him. It took me almost a month to be able to answer them, because being able to look deep in ourselves is one of the hardest things to do, the most frightened, and the least done. One of my father’s favorite movies, and soundtracks was Jonathon Livingston Seagull; there is a quote from it that says: “Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find what you already know, and you’ll see the way to fly”

Question #1: When you are living your life, what do you give and pass on to others?

I would like to pass to others the joy of living, tolerance to others, being able to accept or at least try to understand other people. To be able to listen to the one that is different, who thinks different, who has a different lifestyle than me, who has a different religion, who cannot accept me, but at the same time being able to listen to them and learn from them. I want to pass on to others the beauty to restore human dignity, and social justice to the oppressed ones. I would love to pass the respect to each other, even if we do not agree or understand others, at least we can give respect, and honor. To be able to enjoy the beauty of our humanity with all its faces, imperfections, flaws, qualities, gifts, and everything we can think about it. I want to be able to share with others the beauty of what music brings to the soul, specially the joy to Latin rhythms, and be able to realize that folk music is more than just notes, but tells people’s stories, and shares different cultures to us.

Question #2: When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person?

That person is someone who is friendly, who can see the beauty in everybody else, and even if the worst comes out, that is ok, because he likes to share the good and the bad in him; so people can truly identify with him, and find a commonality. He is always trying to give a smile, a helping hand, he listen to others, learn from others. He searches for spirituality and reads about it. He loves to connect people, he finds ways for strangers to meet, and may be they will become friends. He rejoices in making connections. He is reserved in the most intimate part of his life, but he does not matter to share to others. He is not prone to ask for help, but when he does, he does not care to show his imperfections, his lack of faith, his fears, and insecurities. He likes to help others, but not to create people who become help dependable, but to be able to empower them so they can find their own help within themselves. I enjoy when people are able to see their own potential and start to work to improve the lives of others. That person is an encourager, someone who empowers, to open his arms and embraces others, who is proud of who he is as a gay Latino-Mexican man, who regrets some parts of his history, and sometimes even gets ashamed; but he is trying to understand that history is something that has passed, and he needs to get all those experiences—good or bad—and learn from them and move on, step forward, and keep growing. He has a very big heart, and sometimes this heart hearts way too emotional and sensitive, and he easily gets overwhelmed, and the only way to take that pressure off is by venting out with his friends, or writing about it in his blog(www.uncomplicatedspirituality.wordpress.com)

Question #3: When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give,

What will matter most to you? The way I treated the people I encountered. I do not want to live my life worrying if I am eating well, or doing enough exercise—yes this is important if I want to live longer years—but I do not want this to be my life’s motto. Taking care of me is important, but taking care of someone else is even more valuable for me. People and relationships will be more valuable and more worthy at the end of my days. If I am able to encourage at least one person to continue the love, and passion I have to restore dignity to the undocumented, the indigenous people in Mexico, or the members of the LGTBQ community, then my life will be complete.

What you have done, and passed on? I hope I am able to bring a sense of community to the cities I will live, to restore human dignity and bring back social justice. To pass on the beauty of being free, and always celebrate who I am, and not just what I do.

What you look like in the mirror? I can say that after meditating in these questions asked by a good friend, after being evaluated by my boss and realized that I evaluated myself lower than what she did, and after the Spanish TV interview about my life; I am able to stand in front of the mirror and be able to see a very handsome man, with incredible green eyes, and sexy lips. I can see someone who has been able to overcome many difficulties, and he still fighting some of them, but he is able to stand up very proud of who he is and what he has accomplished in his life. I can admire his perseverance, his sense of spirituality, the way he mediate and pray through writing, listening, dancing or having a beer with a friend. His forgiveness towards others, and even towards his very difficult past is making him move on in his life. He is a good brother, a good son and a great friend.

The Hard Road of Love (Part I)

Picture by Lazaruz Kauffamn

I have done something that could be seen as radical for so many people, I have deactivated my facebook account to join my brothers and sisters who are fasting in this month of Ramadan, as a way to clean my soul and concentrate in finding back the beauty of the solitude of myself.  Henry Nouwen in his book “Reaching out” said:

“Loneliness is one of the most universal human experiences, but our contemporary Western society has heightened the awareness of our loneliness to an unusual degree. The contemporary society in which we find ourselves makes us acutely aware of our loneliness. We become increasingly aware that we are living in a world where even the most intimate relationships have become part of competition and rivalry. Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today. Our culture has become most sophisticated in the avoidance of pain, not only our physical pain but our emotional and mental pain as well. By running away for our loneliness and by trying to distract ourselves with people and special experiences, we do not realistically deal with our human predicament. We are in danger of becoming unhappy people suffering from many unsatisfied cravings and tortured by desires and expectations that never can be fulfilled.”

“When was the last time I heard from myself? “ This is what I asked this morning, and suddenly I realized I have totally forgotten about the inner joy of writing about my own journey. I have been so preoccupied with my own financial situation and with the pain of my father’s death; that I have not being able to really dive into the pain of my own loneliness. I have been trying to extinguish it by keeping myself busy, by traveling as much as possible, by becoming the best community organizer, by trying to find a partner for my love life, by finding friends, a church family, or things to do; so I can preoccupied my mind, and finding a way to escape from dealing with my own issues.

Of course as soon as I started to this time, I went again for training, and I found myself trapped in the business of my mind once again.  Some people think that my facebook fast is not enough, but for me it is more than enough because it has given me time to go back to the written word, and this written word is my own prayer. So when I start writing, I start praying; and when I say prayer, I am not talking about the pious insensible and repetitive prayer, but the one that talks to my heart and transformed my soul, and for me is called “the moment my mind starts questioning and writing”-prayer. Nouwen continued saying “…there are many ways to pray. When we are serious about prayer and no longer consider it one of the many things people do in their life, but rather, the basic receptive attitude out of which all of life can receive new vitality, we will, sooner or later, raise the question: ‘what is my way to pray, what is the prayer of my heart?’Just as artist search for the style that is most their own, so people who pray search for the prayer of their heart”.

Therefore, religion is not anymore a series of laws to follow, but a collection of spontaneous moments—a great sunset, a violent storm, a bird singing, chatting or texting with friends—that together create a way to talk to our soul. I respect all religion, and there is no right for me to criticize them, but for me, in this moment, I am truly becoming a free spirited person where my holy book is every book, letter, poem, or friend’s conversations that help me to be a better person, and sometimes to even enjoy the not so good parts of myself; where my god, goddess, Father, or Mother is represented by all humanity, and I can learn from everybody. Well after understanding this, last night I had a holy encounter, when I broke my daily facebook fast (from sunshine to sunset) and went into a deeper conversation with a friend.  At the end of that moment he gave me a couple of questions for me to answer, this is what he said:

“When you are living your life, Miguel, What do you give and pass on to others? When you are trying your hardest, and believing in yourself and just want the best for everyone you work with, who is that person? When you are finally making an end to this life… and you have nothing left to give… what will matter most to you? What you have done, and passed on? Or what you look like in the mirror?”

Only someone who really cares for ourselves is brave enough to ask these questions to us. The most shocking thing is that this was the first time we were having a deeper conversation. But more of a conversation, he was in a monologue rampage with the whole purpose to encourage me and raise the level of my self-esteem to the highest. To believe that even as a “gordito” (fatty) what matter the most is how I feel with myself, and what I have inside of me, in my heart. He said: “You will be happy in every situation, if you like yourself. You just have to believe. The person who has the love to surprise your heart lives very close to you, he will stay with you. You just need to be happy, and be good to others, and he will understand your needs, and you will draw the right people to you”

Why this conversation is so relevant? Well because there are things happening in my job, and persona life that are attempting to sabotage and change the perception about myself. Most of the time when we think about “sabotaging” is about changing something positive to negative, well in my case is about facing my low self-esteem, in order to really believe with my whole being that I am a beautiful person inside-out, and I am worth to get the attention and appreciation of the people I am helping to and with, and to love me just the way I am: “gordito, chacheton, nalgón, con tremendos ojos verdes y un gran corazón” (fatty, chubby-cheeked, big butt with incredible green eyes and a great heart”

I still need to answer the questions he asked me, but I think that will be the second part of this article…..so for those who thought fasting from facebook is not good enough! ….well just try to read this big article done in a period of 3 hours in a good coffee shop in East Nashville: Ugly Mugs. The ironic of all this is that the whole conversations started when I posted the words of a song in facebook that said: “I am an ugly man who knows how to love, and he will love you in truth”, and here I am the “ugly man”, writing his prayer at the Ugly Mugs.  This is the kind of sense of good humor my father always taught me: “never stop to laugh”.

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.

- Buddha

Where the Streets have no Name…

Twenty four years ago, in a stadium in Miami Florida, I went to my first concert of U2, when the album Joshua Tree came out. I was only 17 years old. In that place I experienced the power of thousands of people singing in one voice the tunes of one of my favorite groups. I raised my voice singing “I still haven’t found what I am looking for”, and from then I started to follow up the life of Bono and his group. Last July 2^nd, I missed the concert of U2 in Nashville, because I was marching on the streets of Atlanta, Georgia with thousands of people crying out for justice. U2 has always been about change, acceptance, social justice, and tolerance; it is kind of ironic that this group that portrays all these great attributes was playing in a state that has been tried to establish laws against Muslims, Refugees and immigrants.

Anyway, that is a different story; my story is that instead of singing about justice, I was walking, making each of my steps a voice for those who are suffering injustices, who are been deported just because they do not have papers to work in this country, who are asking to leave the place they have been raised, educated, because their parents brought them with them to live the supposedly American Dream.  I was walking for those mothers who are handcuffed, taking to jail and being separated by their families as the most dangerous criminals, just because one day they decided to leave their country and cross the border to be working among us. I was raising my voice for the millions.  For a couple of moments the excitement within me almost made me cry, when all those voices were singing in one voice: “We won’t leave, and we will stay”. I was marching surrounded by complete families, coming from all over the South and beyond, Asians, African American, Latinos, Queer, white,  old, young, senior citizens, a group of moms with their  strollers, all walking while the heat was hitting on us with a temperature of 97 degrees.

Bono, once said, “we are looking for one million Americans to join the one campaign, not looking for your money, looking for your voice”, and then he started to sing the famous “One” with the message: “You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl, and I can’t be holding on to what you got When all you got is hurt .One love, One blood, One life, You got to do what you should. One life with each other Sisters, Brothers; One life but we’re not the same. We get to Carry each other, carry each other”.

Are we human enough to feel the pain of the undocumented immigrants in our land? Can we ask ours gods to soften out hearts to love and listen to their voices?  Can we let aside our prejudices, political insanities, and come down where the streets have no name, and march together with the oppressed, the rejected, and the ones that society uses for scapegoating?  Can we get together, thousands of people, and forget for one moment, in the midst of the streets of a city, and while drops of sweat are coming down like a heavy rain wetting the asphalt, and taking away our fears, pain, frustration, desperation, anger, and all these for the sake of justice?

YES!! We did it! And even though I missed the concert of my favorite group, I sang their songs while marching as an immigrant in this land and “I ran, hide thorn down the walls that hold me inside. I reached out, and touched the flame where the streets had not name. I felt the sunlight on my face, and I saw the dust could disappear without a trace” (U2, Paraphrased by author)

¡Si se puede! Yes we can!

Simply Nobody

There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and
do not pretend to be anything but who they are.
Brennan Manning

“So what can I change in order to work with the Church?” this question was presented to me as an idea or a thought if I wanted to keep working with the religious institutions and organized their members. (with very good intentions).

So if I was considering, or may be thinking about coming back to the church of my roots, this consideration has totally disappeared in one talk over dinner. My integrity as a human being and as an organizer has been questioned just for the fact that I have decided to live an openly, honest and free life. So it is better to live a life in secrecy, hiding who you are, than to be able to celebrate the beauty of the diversity in the land we live? Well according to my latest incident, yes it is. Secrecy and hiding is more important, valuable and respected, than freedom and vulnerability.

So, if you as a man or woman could change something of your nature as human being in order to work with others who are not very thrilled of you being a man or woman, what would this be? May be the way you dress, some traits of your personality or would you change the support of other women just to be able to get under the umbrella of an institution?

I believe I am a pretty balance person; I am not wild or crazy, but I enjoy who I am. It took me 39 years to realize that and to really celebrate the beauty of myself. I have always enjoyed joking with people, and being able to engage in good, deep and profound conversations. I know I could be fun to be with, and also because of the magnitude of my heart, sometimes get into very deep and down moods. I am a seeker of spirituality, believer of God in the many ways He or she will present to us. I accept others and sometimes it is very hard to understand the ones who are close-minded towards people who are different, and because of this I am also guilty of being close-minded to the people who do not accept who I am as a person.

I have never experienced discrimination due to my race or country of origin, and that could be because people think I do not look “Mexican”, especially because they have stereotyped Mexicans, and they do not realized that my country has 100 million in population with a very diverse group of people. I am white, tall, green eyes and “gordito” (a big guy), and my oldest sister is skinny, blond and blue eyes, both born and raised in Mexico. But in the last 2 years I have experienced a lot of discrimination and bigotry from people specially coming from religious institutions; and let me tell you I have not get used to it yet.

Discrimination according to Merriam Webster dictionary is defined as, the act, practice, or an instance of discriminating categorically rather than individually, or the treating of some people better than others without any fair or proper reason. When people act in ways that discriminate others, usually are called bigots, “a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially:
one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance” (Merriam Webster dictionary).

When I first faced discrimination was while I was still a local pastor in the United Methodist Church and I was not re-appointed in my position because of my personal decisions, and eventually my credentials were discontinued. During these times I received a couple of very disturbing comments of what I believe were people speaking out of their own ignorance about the subject. I remember a parishioner, who was my friend before she came and fellowship in my congregation, said: “one thing is to accept the fact you are getting a divorce, but another is to know that I have, as a pastor, a person who “celebrates his identity and is open about it” (I omitted the correct terminology in respect of people that may read this). Another great friend whom I have respected and loved for many years told me in a very loving way that if I continue with my decision to live this path, I was on way to death and hell. A good friend told me that the United States protects youth from people like me (referring to my gender).

I thought that leaving the church to go and work outside of the walls of the institution was going to be better, but that is not the case.  Bigotry is the illness of our times, is spreading faster than any other illness I have seen, and it seems that it is getting stronger and less educated. Again I am confronted to the fact that this small virus lives among us and it is extremely contagious.

Once we get ill by the venom of this virus, fear becomes the first symptom.  Suddenly there is nothing you can do besides thinking the many ways you could get in trouble. There is a strong paralysis in your mind, and there is no way you could move at all. Fear covers you, and attacks every cell in your desires, will, strength, and sanity. People will come with all kind of home recipes to battle this illness: a chamomile tea,  a bubble bath, go swimming and distract yourself, watch a movie, go hiking, take some days off, etc. But the reality is that the only way this will go away is when you are able to regained strength within you, and face the fear and bigotry by the bull’s horn. (In Mexico we have a saying “fight our own problems by the bull’s horn”, meaning that you need to face your fears just as they are, and be brave and courageous). This morning I saw this quote in the Facebook profile of new friend: “Courage faces fear, and thereby masters it” by Martin Luther King Jr.

So going back to that question, Do you think I should change as a person in order to adapt myself to the perceptions and idiosyncrasy of others to be a better community organizer and fight for social justice among our communities? Did Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., Harvey Milk, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Cesar Chavez, Mahatma Gandhi, or Cardinal Romero changed in order to transform their communities? Lamentably most of these people, with the exception of Mother Teresa, were assassinated from people who did not agreed about their philosophy.  They were brave individuals who challenged the bigotry in their countries, who created an antidote for this illness, but they were not able to see the change, nevertheless they created a legacy.

In today’s world there are many people, who are risking their lives, status quo, jobs, or even the dream to live and stay in their country for the sake of justice and human dignity. To be recognized as important and value contributors of the society they live in spite of being undocumented, queer, poor, foreigner, outsider, native, indigenous, different, or even just an ally who will support their causes. This is the world I am proud of it, and I will join them in the front lines of the battle, even if I am rejected, excluded, persecuted, tried to be silenced, defamed, or betrayed.  These are the times to be unafraid, and I should learn that from the younger generation whom I proud.

Yes, I am Mexican, an immigrant, a big guy, supporter of my undocumented brothers and sisters, proud of the DREAMers who are willing to walk thousands of miles for their cause, and yes! I am Queer, Unafraid, Free and Proud.

Nobody can take this feeling away from me, simply nobody.

A Small Story to Share…

Today I was visited by two extremely intense people, who as soon as I gave them a little moment of my time, they asked me: “if you die today, where would you go?” I lived this question for many years, but honestly I never asked this question to anybody. Why? Because I hope I do not live
waiting and hoping on what would happened when I die, instead I will live hoping and believing knowing that  the “kingdom come” is not a future place to be, but a present moment to enjoy.  As Brennan Manning calls it: What makes the Kingdom come is heartfelt compassion: a way of tenderness that knows no frontiers, no labels, no compartmentalizing, and no sectarian divisions.”  This is for me the answer of that question.  So for the first time I sat in my living room –having two strangers asking me a question about my future—being confident of what I was going to answer. So I breathe in, and breathe out, and said:

-Thank you very much for being concern about my future, I can see that you truly know me, and have walked with me for the last 41 years. Thank you for caring every time I cried, laughed, got angry, rejected, loved, hated, and embraced. I can truly see your sincerity for me. (Of course if you
know me, you know that I have a blunt sarcastic sense of humor). Thank you for caring about my spirit without caring about my soul. Thank you for coming to my house as a stranger without even asking me about my story. I am not a number of your statistic chart for your church, neither a goal for your guilty conciseness because you have not shared the “good news” to your neighbors.  Before I answer this question I would like for
you to answer just one simple question for me, how many undocumented immigrants have you extended your hand to help without any hidden agenda to come to your church, just for the sake of love?” Silence came into my house as the new guest. To honestly answer your question I will say: “I do not know, but I am not worry about it”.  I prefer to live trying to make a difference in our community and make of my life on earth, my
own heaven.

The two strangers, after a moment of fellowship with Señor Silence,  kept  their difficult task to convince me that “Jesus is the answer”, that there is no other way to heaven than him, and they made sure I knew their sincere concern of my spirit going to a place they call hell.  I was not going to reveal them that I served as a pastor for 14 years; I wanted to pretend just for one moment.  So I continue my statement to them.

-So how come the Jesus you know, is not the Jesus I know? Let me read to you the Jesus I know. So I grabbed my laptop and opened an article I wrote on uncomplicated spirituality on May, 2010, it said:

“I believe there are two kinds of Jesus in today’s world: First, the one that is taught and creates a subculture that
excludes people who are different. Second, the one who walks in the red zone of a city, who visits a bar with their friends, who sits among gay and lesbians listening their stories, who works with the undocumented immigrant for minimum wages, deplorable conditions and the constant rejection and racial comments of the local community. This Jesus hangs out with a Persian man and learns from him, without questioning. It is not the one who keeps asking himself if this person “has prayed the prayer”, but looks at him not with anger but compassion, not for a statistical number to be reported at the end of the year, but as
someone He can open his house for hospitality.

One Jesus writes entire collections of books to create laws on how people need to act in this world, and serve in a “church”
he never started it, because for him is people what makes the difference. If you cannot follow these rules, you are asked to leave, or simply the door that was once open for you to come, will be closed when you leave. But the second Jesus, gives you his hand and tells you: “Do not worry, we are going to make it!”.

There is the Jesus of suit and tie people who will ask strangers: “what are you doing here?” or “please do not park in our
parking lot, it belongs to us”. It is the Jesus of the relax ones, who suggest you to dress casual and listening to current teaching but always with the understanding that you will adapt eventually to their lifestyle. The second Jesus does not care on how you
dress, how you are taught; he is not concern about the effective ways of discipleship and the many good programs for children; he will go to the movies, enjoy a meal at your place while drinking a cup of wine, play at chucky cheese and win many tickets to be exchanged by a cheap toy. He joins his friends and set up a tent and jams at Hippie Jacks. He is not only the one of revivals and
big worship conference. He is among his people, doing what they love the most.

He sits with the Buddhist, the Muslim, the Hindu, atheist, and shares the goodness of what he lives, but never confronting, judging or even trying to convince them of their wrongness. He also gives himself the opportunity to learn from them. He will send text messages back and forward with a new friend or update his twitter so people will know what he is doing all the time. He even has a Facebook account to create a networking so he can truly be known, and even post funny videos so others can have a laugh.

He sings karaoke, he does not care about being laughed, he is surreal, creative, out there, random, and fun. He dances, even though sometimes is criticized. He can cry with with someone and dry their tears with his fingers or do lots of belly laughing when making a bad joke. This Jesus listens in his ipod to good Cuban Son, lady Gaga, Elton John, Bruce Springsteen, Coldplay, and Juanes. He has Rob Bell and Pema Chödron in his podcast, and many games so he can play while waiting in the doctors’ office. (ups! May be he does not really get sick!!) He reads all kind of books from different authors and many different ideologies, why? Because he wants to sympathized with others. He fights against ignorance, human injustice, and intolerance. He is learning to recycle and be a green Jesus. He may study a Master in Divinity, but he also goes into Mechanical Engineering, Sociology, and Computer Science so he can
develop his own website, or get into an Education program. This with the whole purpose to be out of the four walls of a building into the world His Father-Mother created. Oh! of course He has a Father and a Mother and both are heavenly. Some times He believes in nature, mother earth, or just simply the universe.

He prepares a meal to celebrate his friends’ achievements. Have coffee in Starbucks or even support the local coffee shops. In summer He wakes up early and shops for fruits and vegetables in the local farmers market; he dances in the club and supports every event the City does. He wears uniform, shorts, chaco sandals, jeans, tie; have long hair, short hair or no hair at all. He speaks Spanish, English, German, French, and Chinese; even though he lives in the United States and in a small southern city; he understands the beauty of a colorful mosaic, and what this brings to his community. He is a man, a woman, a doctor, a gay or lesbian, transgender, queer, a nurse, a teacher, a football player, a musician, a husband, a kid. He lives in you, so this means he is well represented in the community; creating a much diverse world.

I once followed the first Jesus, now I am living the second one, but I am still getting to know him, and He keeps
surprising me.

Señor Silence was again as loud as he can be. The two guests apologized for taking my time, left me a little brochure and departed my house
in the company of their own silence. This is the first time I have been able to really share what I believe and who I am now. I hope they got the message.

The Brutal Reality

I was asked recently “put your own bitterness aside and accept the video on its face value” after a comment I said about the Methodist church ministering WITH people. My reaction inside of my mind was “of course they are going to ministry with people, except they will never ordain or support the ministry and call of a man who consider himself part of the LGTBQ community”. Can you sense the hurt in this statement? Of course it is there, it is part of my life right now, the wound have not healed yet and I am still trying to understand or even wonder where my life is headed.

How can I put aside the pain of a deep wound? Is that really possible? Some will answer “yes” because they have their faith rooted, and that faith can help them overcome their obstacles. But when that wound was made by the people who called themselves “believers and followers”, is hard to apply the healing of “Jesus” into my own life. So bitterness resurfaced and suddenly without really wanting, comes out of my mind and heart and it express its suffering to and toward others, in this case the religious fundamentalist Christian community. I wish I could easily divide my own feelings so I could control how I am going to react to some comments, but honestly I am still practicing that gift that I have not been able to overcome. Some feelings just want to come out abruptly without asking permission or even considering the fact that some people won’t like them.

Photo by Lazarus Kauffman

How can I not over react when I received a call from an old “friend” asking me how is my personal life? When I know he is worry because of my “decision” to pursue the life that will take me eventually for a spiritual death.  (According to his own believes) He wants to hear from me that I live a miserable life because two years ago I decided to come out into a life of freedom, and acceptance. I changed a life of depression, isolation and secrecy, to a life of realness, vulnerability and openness; and that, for most of them, is like changing good for evil. He would like to hear that I regretted the journey I have taken, and  I will come back to the “lord’s way”.

Yes! I am bitter, and I believe the first step into healing is to accept this feeling, not as an awful one, but as part of the process of life.  While reading the book “The Place that Scare you” by Pema Chödron, I came into a quote that I really liked: “In other traditions demons are expelled externally. But in my tradition demons are accepted with compassion” (Machik Labdrön) According to Buddhism, in order to be compassionate we need to also feel pain. So the more I acknowledge my own pain in bitterness, the more I will be able to feel compassion. Am I there yet? Not at all, but I am walking towards that.  Pema says: “Forgiveness, it seems, cannot be forced. When we are brave enough to open our hearts to ourselves, however, forgiveness will emerge. There is a simple practice we can do to cultivate forgiveness. First we acknowledge what we feel—shame, revenge, embarrassment, remorse.  Then we forgive ourselves for being human. Then, in the spirit of not wallowing in the pain, we let go and make a fresh start”. (Fresh Start, pp 82)

I would like to put aside my bitterness right now, but I cannot.  If you who have been able to overcome that side of your life, please I will ask you to walk with me, and then maybe I will be able to see Jesus, Buddha, Mary, nature, community, or the God of the universe in you; then perhaps I could make a new and fresh start. Please do not take my demons away from me, let me learn and have compassion for them.

When things fall apart and we can’t get the pieces back together, when we lose something dear to us, when the whole thing is just not working and we don’t know what to do, this is the time when the natural warmth of tenderness, the warmth of empathy and kindness, are just waiting to be uncovered, just wanting to be embraced. This is our chance to come out of our self-protecting bubble and to realize that we are never alone. This is our chance to finally understand that wherever we go, everyone we meet is essentially just like us. Our own suffering, if we turn toward it, can open us to a loving relationship with the world. (Pema Chödron, The Importance of Pain, pp83)